Dear Amy: My husband is a big drinker. He drinks four to five beers every night – probably more, because he hides his drinking from me. He no longer comes to bed with me because he likes to stay up drinking.
Alcoholism runs in his family. His parents used to drink excessively, but have stopped; his brother is an alcoholic who lives at home with his parents. But my husband insists that he is not an alcoholic, and he shrugs me off when I bring it up.
This is all we ever fight about, and it is causing a huge strain in our marriage. He thinks I am a huge nag and cites the study that came out last year saying that four drinks a day is healthy for men. My big issue is that once a week my husband goes out drinking with his friends and, yes, drives home drunk.
Unfortunately, my husband is often grumpy during the day and settles into a better mood after drinking. I see this discrepancy in his attitude grow as he increases his daily amount of drinking.
My husband is the most stubborn person I know. I am afraid that nothing will change until he kills someone while driving drunk or gets in an accident and we get sued. I’m afraid I’ll lose my savings and home. – Helpless
Dear Helpless: Your husband might not admit that he has a problem, but you know that his drinking is causing a problem for you; you need to concentrate on your problem. The two of you are locked in a dispute that has him citing bogus statistics (it sounds as if your husband has distorted the possible health benefits of drinking wine in moderation) and you policing him and worrying that he will literally drink you out of house and home.
You will never be able to “nag” your husband into submission. Al-Anon is an organization designed to offer fellowship and support for people whose lives are affected by a loved one who drinks. That’s you, right? At Al-Anon meetings, you’ll be able to share, vent, listen and learn from others. You can find an Al-Anon meeting by visiting its website, , or by calling 888-425-2666.
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Dear Amy: I hope that you can give me some much-needed advice. What is our obligation to attend a niece’s wedding nearly 1,000 miles away? We are not in a financial position to afford the plane tickets, hotel room and car rental. We’d have to assume credit card debt to pay for this.
Also, our parents – grandparents to the bride-to-be – are elderly, not in the best of health, have difficulty with English, and are very uncomfortable with making this trip.
It really upsets me to see them so distraught over this, as their son – the father of the bride – has nagged at them to the point of tears. He’s also done a terrific job of making us feel like scum. I would never expect anyone to travel so far for one of my children’s weddings, never mind all the nasty calls regarding it. I am so disgusted. – Rather Send a Gift
Dear Rather: If you can’t make it to this wedding, then you can’t make it. People don’t seem to realize how stressful traveling can be for some elderly people. It is unfair of your brother to pressure your parents without offering them assistance.
Don’t blame your niece for your brother’s bad manners, however. Send a gift and nice letter to her and her husband-to-be. Spare them the reasons, though. Your travel issues are your own business.
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