Dear Eric: A family member chose to enlist in the Marines. A party was held for him. Everybody was asked to give cash, so he’d have what he needed while in basic training.
Less than 24 hours later we were told he changed his mind and decided not to enlist which thrilled everyone.
We were told that now the party was for his high school graduation and he kept the money. Seriously? Shouldn’t he have returned all the gifts? We wouldn’t have given him a high school graduation gift. If you are engaged to be married and you break up, the gifts are returned. A bunch of us are pissed. Are we right?
— Re-Gifted
Dear Re-Gifted: I’m not sure itap a one-to-one comparison with an engagement, but I see your broader point. Itap a little audacious to retroactively change the occasion of a party after all the gifts have been given, but graduating from high school is also an important milestone that many do choose to honor with a gift. Indeed, even though he won’t be joining the Marines, his next step will still require money, whether that step is further education or joining the workforce or some combination thereof.
Also, by choosing not to join the Marines, he also won’t be earning the salary that one earns during basic training. So, itap not like the money won’t be useful.
All that being said, his financial needs aren’t your responsibility. You weren’t required to give him a gift before, and you aren’t now that the situation has changed. If you want your money back, ask for it.
Dear Eric: I need help settling a “Seinfeld”-esque scenario and who (if anyone) was in the wrong.
I came home from the office for lunch. My wife had prepared a quiche. There was a bottle of salsa available with which to dress it. The salsa had a lid on it, but as I went to shake the salsa to prepare to spread over my food, the lid flew off and threw salsa all over my nice white dress shirt. I was fuming in the moment.
My wife insists that I should have checked the lid prior to my shaking the bottle. I say that, no, that shouldn’t be necessary since whoever uses the salsa last should secure the lid. What say you?
— All Shook Up
Dear All Shook Up: Well, the good news is you were already at home, so you could just throw the shirt in the washer with some stain remover, change clothes and go about your day.
This incident seems to have been the result of two coinciding oversights, rather than one grievous wrong. Itap always a good idea to check the lid before shaking something up, just in case. And a lid is only doing half its job if itap not fully secured.
That said, your wife went through the trouble of preparing a quiche and setting out the salsa, so itap also possible she was leaving the lid unscrewed as part of lunch service to make it easier for you to get what you need.
Whatever the case, this is unlikely to happen again. Thank her for her efforts and for thinking of you. And next time (to mangle the old carpentry saying) check twice, quiche once.
Dear Eric: This is in response to the letter from “Less Talk” who talked too much to friends and wanted to stop.
I, too, used to interrupt people and was unable to stop. Then, through a friend I learned the art of listening and discovered some reasons why I kept interrupting people. Some examples of why I didn’t let people finish their sentences were because “I already know where you’re going with this, and I have something more clever to say;” because “I might forget what I have to say and lose this great opportunity to impress you;” because “you aren’t interesting enough to distract me from my scary thoughts;” because “you’re having such a hard time expressing yourself, I’m going to rescue you by saying it better;” because “interrupting you is a natural expression of my enthusiasm” to name a few.
As I would interrupt I silently asked myself if any of those statements were true, and I could easily find at least one. Slowly over time I learned the art of listening and I think I am much easier to be around; I hope anyway! Silence truly is a virtue.
— A Listener
Dear Listener: This level of self-awareness and self-examination is really wonderful. I like that you don’t judge yourself too harshly and instead are approaching your actions and your motivations with curiosity. That curiosity then gives you the space and the grace to make a change. Thanks for your sharing (and for listening to yourself)!
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on and sign up for his weekly newsletter at .)
