Dear Amy: Why is it that when tragedy strikes, the worst in people comes out? I am 38 years old, and five weeks ago I lost my husband to a sudden and unexpected death. My life changed forever.
My husband’s family was supportive so that they could get the arrangements they wanted at the funeral. Not one dime was donated to help bury him. I bent over backward to make sure I did not step on any toes. Now that the dust has settled, I have not heard one word from any of them in two weeks. They are also spreading rumors that my husband did not love me and that I was having an affair. This is ludicrous.
My husband and I were together for 4 1/2 years and only married for nine months. Thank goodness I have my friends and family for support. My husband would hate the way his family is treating me.
I realize that they lost a brother, uncle and father, but do they not realize that I lost my husband – my life partner? I am hurting as much as they are, and it saddens me to see them acting this way.
– Grieving in Arizona
Dear Grieving: Your husband died five weeks ago. Don’t you think that everyone is freaking out just a little bit? At this very early stage, when feelings are running high, it isn’t surprising that people are expressing their grief, anger and sadness in inappropriate ways.
It is good that you have family and friends to help you through this tough stage of your life. I hope you continue to lean on them. It might also help if you were able to sit down with clergy or with a grief counselor to express some of your feelings and get guidance about how to manage your late husband’s family.
Perhaps you have some photos or other personal items from your husband that you would like to share with them. It would be easier on everyone if you could come to terms in order to support one another.
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Dear Amy: Regarding the discussion in your column concerning saying “Shut up’ to a child – at our house, “Shut up’ means “Be quiet.’ Within the past few years I’ve been hearing that saying “Shut up’ is a terrible thing.
“Shut up!’ is what you say with a raised voice after repeatedly asking your children to be quiet and they can’t even hear you because they are so loud. It lets them know you really mean business.
Why do others think it’s so horrible and demeaning?
– Michele from Illinois
Dear Michele: In my house, “Be quiet!’ means, “Be quiet!’ When I mean business, I say, “I really mean business!’
My problem with “Shut up’ is that it is a verbal slap. Has anyone ever told you to “Shut up’? Has your husband or have your kids said this to you in anger? If it doesn’t offend you, then maybe it doesn’t offend your family, but if there are other ways to tell someone to “be quiet,’ then why not use those?
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