Dear Amy: I have been married for 22 years and have two lovely children, 10 and 8. After our children were born, my wife and I have never spent any private time together. She sleeps with my son and daughter; I sleep in the other bedroom.
My children won’t sleep by themselves, and we have not tried to break this habit.
My in-laws are very nice people. They help my wife six or seven days a week. They buy some of our groceries and give us a good bit of money to pay for private schools. They go with us on day trips and on vacation.
In a nutshell, my wife puts the children first, her parents second and me third. If I ask her to go out with me alone, she makes some excuse.
We have not been out to dinner or to a movie in 11 years. My wife won’t ask her parents to babysit because they are over at our house for part of every day. My wife would not trust anyone else to babysit because she is so overprotective.
I let my wife run the ship, but is there anything that I can do to get her to give me any time?
– Busted in Baltimore
Dear Baltimore: I know you want me to think that this is about going to the movies, but it isn’t. Your problem is much more basic than that. You seem quite focused on your needs, when you really should be worrying about your children. They need an advocate in your home and, unfortunately, it seems that you have chosen to leave their parenting to people who either don’t know what damage they are doing, or don’t care.
It is extremely selfish of your wife to retard your children’s growth and independence in this way, and I am surprised that you could stand by and passively watch. If your children are taught that the world is such a frightening place that they can’t even sleep alone, they are going to have a very hard time attaining even a modest level of independence. You can count on them living with you for a very long time.
You need to get serious about being a parent. When you start making decisions based on what is healthiest for your children, your family should come more into focus. Accepting your in-laws’ money in exchange for their constant presence is one priority that must be shifted.
Before you get your wife into couples therapy (and you must), pick up and read a copy of Dr. Phil McGraw’s “Family First: Your Step-by-Step Plan for Creating a Phenomenal Family’ (2004, Free Press).
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Dear Amy: My husband and I are in an awkward position. The daughter of a friend of ours has asked our 6-year-old to be the ring bearer in her wedding this August. The wedding is a 12-hour drive from our home.
We also have an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old.
We have very little vacation time and would need to rent a car for the trip. I worry that if we explain this, our friends will feel slighted. I know that if we mention the money involved, they will insist on paying, which would make us uncomfortable.
The bride couldn’t pick our son out of a lineup (I’m not sure she would recognize us, either). Is there a tactful way out of this?
– Sticky
Dear Sticky: You should let the bride know quickly that you won’t be able to make it, thereby freeing her to find another adorable ring bearer.
Send her a note saying something like, “Jim and I are so happy for you, but, unfortunately, we won’t be able to make it to your wedding this summer. It was such a lovely gesture for you to think of asking Billy to hold this place of honor in your wedding party and we are very tickled that you thought of him. We’ll be thinking of you on the day, which we know will be absolutely wonderful.’
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