Dear Amy: My brother’s son is graduating from high school soon. My mother and sister have planned for months to travel from out of state to attend.
I love my brother, but he has been nothing but a negative influence on his son’s life. He and his ex (who has done an excellent job of raising my nephew alone) split when my nephew was young. My brother would promise to come and get him and either would not show up or would show up intoxicated. My brother has been in and out of jail, has had substance-abuse problems and has had very little contact.
My nephew has made it clear he does not want my brother to attend his graduation ceremony, even though his mom has pleaded with him otherwise. (My brother doesn’t know about this and wants to attend.) My sister and I understand. However, when my mother found out about her grandson’s wishes she said, “If my son can’t be there, then I am not going.” My sister and I have tried to reason with our mom, but she is angry and adamant. She is a wonderful mother and grandmother, and she reads your column, so please be the voice of reason.
– Somewhere Out West
Dear Somewhere: The thing that bothers me the most is the pressure on this young man to please all of the adults in his life, regardless of how he feels or what he wants.
Parents who walk away from their children and decline to be part of their kids’ lives also walk away from their special seat at graduation. Still, I applaud your nephew’s mother for encouraging her son to include his father. But the final decision should be his, and the rest of the family should respect his choice.
The thought that your mother will attend this event only under her terms is perhaps most disappointing of all. If she declines to attend, she is sending the message that in your family, adults disappear when they can’t handle how things are going.
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Dear Amy: I disagree with your response to “Upset,” whose feelings were hurt when a sales associate asked if she qualified for a senior’s discount. This has happened to me, both before and shortly after I became a “senior,” and I was devastated each time.
Businesses should be more sensitive. One restaurant in my area posts a sign near the registers saying, “All our customers look so youthful – please let us know if you qualify for a senior’s discount.” This is much more customer-friendly than having a sales associate try to determine a shopper’s age.
– Not Ancient Yet
Dear Not Ancient: Being 55 and qualifying for a senior discount doesn’t make you ancient. I have yet to discover what is so devastating about that.
However, many shared your perspective, and I’ll be running more letters on this topic.
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Dear Amy: I ran into an acquaintance. We hit it off and have begun seeing each other. The problem is, five years ago, he was engaged to my cousin.
She has since moved out of the state and is now engaged to another man. I know she would be upset over my relationship with her ex, and she has every right to be upset. But I really like him, and it seems like it’s going to get serious.
Is it morally wrong to date this man? Should I wait to see if it gets serious?
– Kissin’ Cousin
Dear Kissin’: I don’t think it is morally wrong to date this man, but you know that you are playing relationship roulette with your cousin, and that is a dicey choice.
When people move on and become engaged to other people, they should relinquish their hold on their former lovers. But feelings can run very high when it comes to exes. Since you are good enough to be concerned about your cousin’s feelings, speak with her – sooner rather than later. It might not be the huge problem you anticipate. It might be an idea she just needs to adjust to.
E-mail askamy@tribune.com or write Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
