Dear Amy: I am the oldest of three children. My youngest brother, “Jim,” and I have never gotten along. I watched as he manipulated my mother, stole from everyone he met and became a pathological liar.
About three years ago when he was 18, he and my mother had a painful blowup and he left the house to mooch off of friends. Within months, they got sick of him and kicked him out, and he eventually called my father. My father helped him manipulate the system so that my brother could live off the state. This worked for a year or so, but then he got bored and moved to Canada to live with a girlfriend.
I have refused to speak with him unless he takes responsibility for himself. Our family is better at sweeping things under the rug than any I have ever met, but when it comes to my brother I have never hesitated to say how I feel.
Now, not quite a year later, his girlfriend is six months pregnant and they’re getting married. Would it be wrong to send a small gift without a card? While I do not want to let my brother back in my life so he can step all over me, I don’t want to ignore this baby, either.
– Confused Auntie
Dear Auntie: Now I’m confused. A gift without a card? I gather from your letter that you think you could continue your “I’m not talking to you” streak by sending a cardless gift.
I applaud your instincts to welcome this baby into the world; do so in a way that most reflects you as a person. Do not let your prickly relationship with your brother dominate.
Send a gift along with a note or card that says, “I hear there’s a new member of the family on the way. I look forward to meeting your wife and baby.” You can continue to be uncompromising toward your brother’s manipulations yet still be gracious. To be a decent auntie you’ll have to be on speaking terms with the parents.
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Dear Amy: I had to write about the “Confused Sister” who held a Mother’s Day brunch and apparently offended her childless sister by not giving her a card on the occasion. I understand your point about doing what’s necessary to help others feel good. That’s great, but something is way out of whack when their mother says the sister “doesn’t have anybody” on Mother’s Day. Hello! She has her mother.
What is Mother’s Day anyway? Does anyone on say, “Look at me, I’m a mother,” or “Look at you, you’re not a mother?” No. On Mother’s Day my husband and kids give me cards and gifts, many of which are homemade, sweet and wonderful, but I am not thinking of myself; I am thinking of my mother and honoring her.
This year’s Mother’s Day would go much more smoothly if all the sisters in this family got together and said, “What can we do this year to honor our mother on Mother’s Day?”
-My Two Cents Worth
Dear Two Cents: I heard from many readers who hated my advice that this woman should appease her sister on Mother’s Day. Your point is the best, however. Mother’s Day is for mothers. Women who don’t have children have mothers or know mothers, and that’s the point of the day. I completely agree.
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