Q: Hi Scott,
Me again … Confused & Committed. You published
e-mails of mine in both December and January
pertaining to my trying to reconcile with a
recently-ex-girlfriend, who lives out there while I’m
700 miles away.
Here’s an update, followed by another
question:
We’ve been communicating more frequently
lately via e-mail and an occasional phone call by me.
These contacts have been flirty at times, which she
says she does not dislike, but she is somewhat
uncomfortable about them.
I’ve been far less smothering
than I had been after she left me, and she definitely
knows exactly how I feel about her and my commitment
to working things out.
A few days ago, we had a very long conversation during
which she (finally) vented all the hurt she’d been
feeling.
It opened my eyes to a lot of things I was
apparently oblivious to. It also made me want to try
harder for us.
I expressed all the things I loved and
missed about her, re-confirmed my commitment to her
and us. She said she still loves and misses me, too.
She said she has no desire to get involved with anyone
else, because she doesn’t believe anyone can touch her
soul like I did. She said she’d like to be able to jet
off somewhere for fun and romance, but now is not the
time.
Frankly, she’s still guarded and hurt.
I invited her to continue taking baby steps toward me
by keeping the communication going. She suggested
becoming better friends and seeing where that takes
us.
But, while she said she is deliberately avoiding
getting involved with anyone, she thinks maybe I
should date around to see if she’s really the one for
me.
I reassured her that I, too, had no desire – that
I already know who and what is important to me: Her
and us.
So, I’ve got a two-pronged question for you.
First,
how long is too long to wait for someone who claims to
love you, believes you’re genuine, yet is so guarded?
Secondly, how do I go about reaffirming my love for
her during this time of separation without crossing
the line into being pushy or smothering?
– Confused & Committed
Scott: Hi C&C, nice to hear from you again. You seem a little
less confused and a little more committed to perhaps
discovering some of the reasons for the communication
breakdown with your ex.
Also helpful was the fact that you
pulled back a bit, and made an effort not to corner her
so much and scare her off.
Now, onto your questions .
How long is too long to wait for her? That depends on
what she s telling you and how she behaves towards
you.
She s telling you she wants to work on a
friendship with you and see where it goes.
Good idea! Communication is vital to a successful relationship,
and all the more with long distance relationships. You
really should be friends first anyway, which is a
mistake many a people make.
Well, some people need to
be reminded of this and that s what you have me for.
How should you reaffirm your love without being pushy
or smothering? You already have!
You couldn t be more
expressive and communicative without crossing the line
of pushiness, so don t push it.
As I ve said before, you ve gotten mixed messages form
her over the past six months, and maybe that s because
she doesn t know what she wants — which is the
best reason why a friendship is best for now.
In the
long run, it will only strengthen the bond of trust
between you.
So, relax, work on the friendship, keep
communicating and see what happens. There s no
question in anyone s mind about your commitment to
working on this relationship.