Dear Amy: My husband and I have a young child and another on the way. My husband’s parents were physically and emotionally abusive to him and his siblings. He has no happy childhood memories, and I resent his parents for that.
For this and several other reasons, I do not like or trust my mother-in-law, and I do not want her to babysit my children. The problem is I cannot get my husband to understand this. When I explain to him why I am not comfortable having his mother babysit, he says I’m being ridiculous and that she would never hit or scream at someone else’s children. He also tries to defend his parents, saying they were young when they had kids and were stressed, and he says he doesn’t hold any grudges because he turned out fine.
How do I make my husband understand that I am serious about this and that I do not want his mother alone with our kids?
– Don’t Trust the In-Laws
Dear Don’t Trust: I can’t know whether your mother-in-law is still an abuser, but I do know that good parents shield their children from avoidable risk.
I think this qualifies as an avoidable risk.
Many grandparents don’t babysit their grandchildren. They spend time with the grandkids, attend birthday parties, watch their grandchildren perform at tumble tots, ballet recitals or soccer games, and share in the everyday joys of family life without doing the solo babysitting gig.
Your mother-in-law shouldn’t be cut out of your family’s life, especially if she has mellowed, but if she has a history of being overwhelmed, stressed and abusive to children, she shouldn’t sit with the kids by herself until you are certain she is able to handle it.
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Dear Amy: How do people like me from a traditional domestic background treat those from untraditional backgrounds in a polite and dignified manner, without causing an awkward situation for anyone? On Monday, I asked a co-worker who I only know by first name whether he had a nice weekend. He answered something like, “Yeah, Saturday night we went to see this new movie.” The conversation quickly developed as I asked about his wife and family, the “we” he referred to in his original response.
Later that same day, I came across two other colleagues discussing the high price of fresh fruit. One guy explained, “We buy apples in bulk at the warehouse club near our house.” Amy, it would have been quite natural, and I think polite, to ask the guy about his “we” during the course of the conversation. But I have heard that the guy is gay, so I didn’t ask any questions about his domestic situation.
Do I need to just accept these newly popular domestic arrangements as a matter of course? If a man starts telling me about his boyfriend, do I just grin and say, “Oh, that’s great”? Or do I need to change my definition of polite and quit asking people about their lives outside of work?
– Gregg in N.C.
Dear Gregg: You do need to accept these newly popular domestic arrangements as a matter of course, if only because there isn’t a clear alternative.
It isn’t polite to query people about their personal lives unless they introduce their personal lives as a topic. Referring to “we” in the course of an anecdote isn’t an introduction into someone’s personal life.
There simply isn’t any need to ask someone about his domestic arrangement when the topic is the latest Will Smith movie or the high price of fresh fruit.
You shouldn’t wonder how to treat some people with dignity and respect – you should treat everyone equally well, just as you wish to be treated by others.
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