Q: My daughter is 5 and close to her grandmother. My mother is in critical condition, suffering from emphysema. She is only 62 but has smoked all of her life, and her condition is terminal. Should I take my daughter to see her one last time? She wants to see her grandmother, but I’m worried the oxygen mask and tubes will give her nightmares.
– J.F.
A: Whether to let your 5-year-old visit her terminally ill grandmother depends on your daughter’s emotional strength and ability to cope with upsetting events.
If you take her, describe what she will see and help her understand the hospital equipment. Tell her the oxygen mask helps her grandmother breathe more easily. Explain that the monitors tell the nurses and doctors how strong Grandma’s heart rate and breathing are.
When a relative is dying, it often prompts worries about a parent dying, as well. Reassure her that you are healthy and plan to live a long time.
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Q: I’ve been divorced for eight years, and I’m still having trouble getting my ex-
wife to communicate with me. We share custody of our 15-year-old-daughter. Recently we had a blowup over school enrollment. My daughter had attended private school, but because I could no longer pay both tuition and child support, she had to switch to public school. I tried to discuss this with my ex. I called several times, left messages and wrote notes, but she wouldn’t respond. Then she left on vacation.
I never know what she’s planning, and neither does my daughter. Three days before the start of the new semester, with my ex still out of town, I enrolled my daughter in a high school. My daughter was relieved and happy. When my ex returned, she went ballistic. Should I have waited until her return? Why does she refuse to make plans?
– M.P.
A: Your ex-wife should not have kept your daughter in a state of anxiety over what high school she is to attend. Your daughter needed to know she had a place reserved for her. Taking the initiative to enroll your daughter was in her best interests.
Your ex-wife’s pattern of stalling on plans and decisions is a way to exert power over others and serves only her interests.
Change your style of communicating. If your ex refuses to respond to messages, announce your plans and take action. Leave a message, but don’t expect a response. Limit communication to announcements, and give up attempts at rational discussions.
Write to Cathleen Brown, care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202 or cabrown500@aol.com.
