Q: Scott,
Love reading the column it makes my afternoons! So I’m writing you with an issue (who doesn’t).
Here is the background: two years ago, I was doing an internship and semester abroad program. During said program I became friends with a great guy.
We’ll call him Boy X. At the time he was in a relationship, or I was in a relationship, or the semester was ending, or some other force of nature got in the way of anything romantic happening.
But we remained friends and kept in touch after the program ended.
Flash forward to last year.
I get a call from him one night (drunk dial, actually) and he basically came out with these questions about why didn’t anything happen, I really wanted to kiss you, I am attracted to you. And then we discussed why nothing happened even though it should have.
I dismissed this as stupid drunk dialing except somewhere along the line we started calling each other sober, talking on IM sober, and saying these same things.
Such as, “I thought you were great, why didn’t anything happen.” “I ignored everyone else that night because you were there and I wanted to get to know you.” “I’m really into you, have been for awhile now.”
So in the last year of living roughly six states apart, we have basically formed a mental and emotional relationship. During this time we have dated other people in our respective areas of the nation and there was no problem until now.
I’m dating a guy here in my city, which is allowed and he is wonderful.
We have great conversations we are interested in the same things, we debate, we have similar families, in fact I would probably be head over heels in love with this guy, if I had never met the Boy X while I was abroad.
The problem comes next week when Boy X comes to see me from across the country and is even looking at moving to my area. He will be staying with me and in all honesty, it’s going to be VERY difficult to prevent anything from happening.
However, I don’t want to basically come off as a cheating whore by doing something physical with Boy X while still seeing the guy here. I also don’t want to break up with the guy here for a week just because Boy X is in town.
And, I don’t want Boy X to be under the impression that I don’t care about him in the romantic sense, because I do, he’s the standard every other guy I’ve dated since meeting him has been measured against.
So what do I do when Boy X is here for a few days? Say I care about you but nothing can happen because of my relationship here that I’m happy in, Thus continuing the cycle of, “if we lived closer we’d be together” of two years?
Do I leave the guy here and say, there’s someone else and I’m not being fair to you, but I still really have feelings for you, which is true?
Or do I go with the damn all the consequences and karma I’ll do what I want and let the cards fall (I’m thinking this isn’t the best option)?
Any advice would be much appreciated, Thank you!!!!!
Scott: First, let’s call your boyfriend (the one who lives in your state) “Boy Y.”
Now that we got that out of the way, it’s time for a reality check. You may’ve established a mental and emotional relationship with Boy X after a few late-night drunken phone calls but you two live six states apart, plus you’re in a relationship with someone great with whom you’ve got so much in common.
Yes, maybe you and Boy X might be together if you lived closer to one another, but you don’t and that’s why you’re in a relationship with Boy Y.
The whole point of a relationship is to be close and connected with your mate, not disconnected and apart. This is why you’re not going to marry a guy who lives in China. Why? Because he lives in China!
So there’s nothing wrong with being friends with Boy X but now is a good time to leave the (physical) benefits behind.
So when Boy X is visiting, do the right thing and refrain from doing anything physical with him. It’s not worth being unfaithful or as you put it, “a cheating whore.”
Wow, I couldn’t have said it better myself!