Q: Hi Scott,
Maybe you can give me some advice on sorting out my feelings.
I’ve been seeing this woman now for some time. I find her personality very agreeable, and enjoy spending time with her.
She has helped me through tough times recently, and has always been there for me. The problem is that she is quite overweight, and I find our sex life less than satisfying because of it.
We have talked about this, and have tried to work on our sex life, and things have gotten a little better, but I’m still not all that happy. Recently she has been hinting at living together, and perhaps marriage.
She is someone I could see myself with long-term, however, the prospect of mediocre sex for the rest of my life really bothers me.
Sex, or rather a lack thereof, was a contributor to the failure of my first marriage, and I am afraid of repeating the same mistake. What do I do? Should I break it off, or keep trying?
– B
Scott: I don’t know that the sex is mediocre because of her weight.
Maybe it’s mediocre because it’s mediocre, and you might be playing a bigger role in the mediocrity than you think. You say you’ve been seeing her for a while, but is this weight gain something that has suddenly changed about her?
I didn’t think so.
She’s helped you and been there for you, but now that you’re talking about a relationship, the weight is apparently a big issue for you.
It’s all nice and great that you want to help her with this, and I’m sure she feels the pressure from you, but the pressure will only exacerbate the problem.
See? There’s too much riding on it for it not to!
The important thing to know when selecting a mate is to know you can’t change people, and you’re obviously not ready to marry this woman. In fact, moving in would be a mistake at this time as well.
If you’re not happy with her the way she is right now, then be with someone you don’t feel you need to change.
If you need thin, go get a thin partner, but don’t torment this poor woman with your idealistic weight issues.