Dear Amy: I am raising a 4-year-old family member who suffered neglect and abandonment in her birth family. She is relearning how to trust and bond with the stable adult in her life – me. My problem is that well-meaning friends at church and such are warm and effusive with her in a way that does not feel safe or authentic to her.
People who barely know her pick her up and coo, get in her face with, “Hi there, Sweetie,” which is all well and good for a normal kid. But this behavior makes my kid cringe, withdraw and avoid.
Believe me, I am not trying to have her all to myself. But from her perspective, this overly intimate adult behavior is invasive.
How can I educate my friends without going into the child’s psychological history or embarrassing them for their well-meaning efforts to connect with our family? Thanks for your thoughts.
– Concerned
Dear Concerned: It’s not clear from your letter whether you have other children or how much experience you have with children that age, but I can assure you that very few 4-year-olds like to have adults pick them up and get in their face. Most normally developing 4-year-olds enter a phase of shyness and clinging during which they attach themselves to a caregiver’s leg until they feel comfortable.
I mention this because you are using fairly clinical language about authenticity, abandonment and invasive adult behavior when you have a fairly common issue on your hands. Yes, your child’s reaction to this might be as a result of her life experience, but it would be a mistake to ascribe her behavior to some sort of pathology.
Your job as her caregiver is to make the world safe for her. When other people make her uncomfortable, you can tell them, “Shakira is feeling a little shy.” To her you say, “Shakira, this is Mrs. Cleaver. I think she really likes your pretty dress.” Children always feel more comfortable when they can assign a name to a person. Keep these encounters light and breezy, and never let an adult make your little girl feel uncomfortable, if you can help it.
My own dear girl was so reserved at that age that I taught her something we called “The Silent Hello.” If she couldn’t manage to speak, she would make eye contact and try to smile. We practiced this at home.
I want to encourage you and thank you for taking on this very challenging and joyful job. This child will undoubtedly benefit from your love, kindness and wonderful example.
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Dear Amy: My mother and I have a very close relationship, but she drinks quite often and sometimes comes home drunk. When she comes home, normally I’m the only one there to help her. She is almost always verbally and emotionally abusive. When I tell her the next morning about what she did and how it makes me feel, she either denies it or tells me to mind my own business.
I want to have a close relationship with my mother but not put up with this anymore.
– Hurt in Virginia
Dear Hurt: I applaud the fact that you continue to try to speak with your mother in order for her to face her behavior. The painful reality is that she can’t control herself.
You don’t say how old you are, but I hope you will do everything you can to develop your own life and interests outside of your home and away from your mother. Your job is to grow and develop in your own right. When your mother both requires your care and then abuses you, she diminishes you as a person. You should spend time with people who are dependable and treat you well. You deserve that.
Al-anon is an organization devoted to helping the loved ones of alcoholics. I highly recommend that you do everything possible to get involved with an Al-anon group
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