Dear Amy: I have been single for 10 years (I am 30), ever since my then-fiancé dumped me for an ex-girlfriend one week before our wedding. I have had self-esteem, trust and other issues on top of depression. Friends and family have introduced me to guys, but I have been on more first dates than anyone I know. They have all failed for one reason or another. My only “long-term” relationship was for six months five years ago to an abusive man who took advantage of me.
With counseling, I have gotten better. Two months ago I met a fantastic guy. He knows of my past, and it doesn’t faze him. We spend a lot of time together, much to the dismay of my friends and relatives.
They are accustomed to my ability to drop everything on a moment’s notice. My sister has stopped speaking to me because she compares how great my boyfriend is to her husband, who does nothing.
I have had to say no to two friends who called me up to do something with them with only an hour’s notice. Another friend told me, “I have no interest in meeting him, so please stop talking about him to me.” Why can’t anyone be happy for me? Haven’t I suffered enough? I realize two months is not a lot of time to have gotten to know him, and maybe everyone is overprotective, but shouldn’t everyone be of the opinion “innocent until proven guilty”?
– Happy Yet Sad
Dear Happy Yet Sad: When you have a pattern of being involved in failed, one-sided or unhealthy relationships, people worry. You say every guy in your life should be “innocent until proven guilty,” but for those close to you, it’s more a case of, “Here we go again. …” Your duty is to accept that your friends and family have failings and frailties. They worry. They misjudge.
One way around the worry and judgment of others is not to involve them in your romantic life until you have a handle on what is really going on.
If you have to say no occasionally to your pals, make sure to reciprocate another time so that they know you’ll stay close regardless of how things work out with your new guy. Mature people don’t dump their friends; they find a way to balance their social and love lives. If this relationship works out, your loved ones will come around.
If you’re talking about your guy too much, dial it down. This is your party. Now go enjoy it.
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Dear Amy: I married a widower a year and a half ago. We are in our 60s. His wife died 3 1/2 years ago. He still honors her by placing flowers on the church altar on the Sunday nearest her death.
We are both long-term members of the church, and I feel strange sitting in the congregation while my husband honors another love. I wouldn’t object to a memorial gift to the church charity or some other fund. I just don’t feel right about the public display. Can you help me think about this in a positive way?
– LW
Dear Lw: Every year when your husband memorializes his first wife, you can say to yourself, “Thank goodness he’s not remembering me with flowers. Thank goodness we get to leave church together, have a nice brunch and then go home together.” Chin up. If your husband and his late wife were faithful members of your congregation, he’s not the only person at church who would like to recall her. Let it happen and then let it go.
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Dear Amy: I support you on your response concerning the use of “shut up.” I grew up in a family of five boys and obviously had a loud household. We never used that phrase.
We now have our own families, and it is refreshing when we get together and our teens do not use it either.
– Peace and Quiet
Dear Peace: The only way I can abide hearing “shut up” is when Elaine on “Seinfeld” says it (“Shut UP!”). Otherwise, can’t we find another way to tell one another to be quiet?
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