Dear Amy: I’ve always viewed people who trapped themselves in loveless relationships with a certain amount of disdain. Yet, I find myself in precisely such a relationship. I should clarify that I love this man dearly (it’s impossible not to). He’s been one of the few people who understand unconditional love and devotion. But, and I’ve known this for quite some time now, I’m not “in love” with him.
We have a life together, we’ve purchased a home together, and we have pets and dinner parties! We have really integrated our lives as one. But every day goes by with increasing drastic swings between a genuine love and affection for him – and a desire to run for the door! But how do you hurt someone who loves you? Or should I just be thankful I found someone who loves me as much as he does?
– 21 and Trapped in Virginia
Dear Trapped: The way to hurt someone who loves you is to do it quickly. I wouldn’t have said that when I was your age, but I know that now.
Your wonderful guy can still be wonderful and lovable even if you’re not “in love” with him, and he deserves to be with someone who adores him as he adores you. You and your guy may be victims of something as simple as “bad timing” and, try as you might, you can’t beat bad timing.
You and your guy might make some real headway with couples counseling. However, if you’re determined to ditch the house and the pets and the dinner parties and the guy and bolt for the door, it’s better to do this before you feel tempted to make your guy feel bad about himself in order to make it easier for you to dump him.
When you are older you might spend a dark night of the soul wondering if you were right to bolt from Mr. Wonderful, but at 21 you have no choice but to go out and live your life – or you’ll spend your life regretting it.
…
Dear Amy: I am a 26-year-old Caucasian woman and I live in a predominantly Latino neighborhood. Almost every day when I’m out walking, I am harassed by men who whistle, make kissy-noises, or yell derogatory things at me in Spanish. I can understand what they are saying.
I do not dress provocatively; this happens even when I’m dressed in jeans and tennis shoes. This unwelcome attention makes me rather uncomfortable, but I usually just ignore them – I don’t want to encourage them by showing that I am angry or humiliated.
Is there a better way I can handle this situation?
– Chicago Chica
Dear Chica: I’d like to point out that no culture has a lock on harassing behavior – women in all sorts of neighborhoods run a similar gauntlet on their way to the bus stop.
I don’t think there is anything you can do that is better than ignoring these men.
…
Dear Amy: I have frequently read outlandish bridal stories in your column, but I have experienced a new low. It’s a bridal shower “by mail.” I have been “invited” to send my gift to the groom’s mother, who will deliver all of the gifts to the bride, who lives out of town, as a surprise! At first I thought I was being invited to an out-of-town shower, but when I read the notice again, I realized that there is no party, just a request for a gift. What do you think of this?
– No Presents Required
Dear Presents: I’ve heard of another version of this. An e-mail is sent to “guests” along with a link to Internet sites where the bride is registered – you can simply click and shop and have your gift sent without going to the trouble of showering, dressing, getting in your car, attending an actual event and eating the shrimp on a stick. I’m sure other readers will enjoy sharing their stories of “… when showers attack.”
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