Q: Dear Scott,
I have been reading your column a lot lately and have found it very “educational” for those of us immersed in the dating scene.
So here is my dilemma: I have been dating a great guy for about six months now. At the time that I met him, he informed me that he was “going through” a divorce. Red flags went up everywhere in my head, but he assured me that while he was going through the legalities of the divorce, they had been emotionally divorced for over a year.
So for the last six months things have been going very well. We have kept things at a very slow pace, seeing each other only once a week, but every week.
He has called me every single day. I do not call him, except to return a phone call or in relaying information about our impending date plans.
I have tried to keep things very light, and have concentrated very hard to be the kind of girlfriend who 1) doesn’t bitch; 2) is not needy; 3) doesn’t talk about getting serious; and 4) is not dramatic.
He has even praised the fact that I am so easy to get along with, and made the comment to me, “I am so glad I got divorced so I could hang out with you.”
He makes jokes about the fact that there has been absolutely no drama in our relationship, stating that we need to come up with things to argue about because we have NEVER been in an argument. It is always HE who wants to have the serious moments, talking about how much he likes me, which in turn makes our relationship almost seem more serious.
About a month ago, his divorce was finalized and he found out he would have to come up with a great deal of money to settle his divorce in a very short time period. Since that time he has managed to distance himself from me, when discussing plans for dates, asking me what I want to go do and then telling me that is “too expensive.”
The last couple of weeks, some plans that we made together were in close proximity to each other (3x within a 10-day period), and now suddenly he needs a “bit of space,” yet, when I go out and have fun with my friends, giving him his space, he suddenly wants to come over and “talk about our feelings.”
Now, whether or not that was just a cover up for sex, certainly remains to be seen, but I certainly wasn’t about to give that up to him.
Scott, what is going through this guy’s head? Has the finality of the whole divorce thing affected him more than he knows himself, or is letting on to others?
Why is he the one who wants to say things that make our relationship more serious, but when I react like it is a more serious relationship, reacting to things he has told me, he suddenly needs his space?
– Confused with hurt feelings!
SCOTT: I’m as confused as you are! He needs space, then he needs to talk about his feelings, then he can’t go out with you because everything’s so expensive, then he needs space again.
A word of advice: give it to him. And I mean really give it to him!
You need to distance yourself from this vicious circle completely, sex and all. I know how hard that can be after you’ve become so used to having him around, but now he’s changed the terms, so you should as well.
When he suddenly freaks out and asks why you’ve changed, you can point out that you are merely adjusting to his changes.
To his credit, a divorce is a less-than-pleasant experience to go through. There’s probably a lot going on in his head and he may not even know what he wants. Give him the space to figure that out.
And to your credit, he needs to learn that if he wants to be serious with you, he can’t be so wishy-washy.
It just goes to show you can do everything the right way but if the timing’s not good, nothing else will be, either.