Q: Dear Scott,
So I have been dating my boyfriend for quite some time, and for the most part everything is happy and we are in love.
There is this one little issue. His kind-of-daughter.
When we first started dating, he sort of shared custody of his ex-girlfriend’s little girl. He would take her a couple of nights a week and some weekends.
This wasn’t really a problem because we had it worked out that on the nights my ex-husband had my son his ex would have the little girl. We were able to spend those night alone.
Then one day, his ex decided that she wasn’t up for raising a little girl. Now he has her all the time. We were talking about getting married, and of course my son would live with us full time. But now we would also have this little girl, and that was not part of the original package.
I don’t feel like I should have to raise someone else’s child. She’s not mine, and technically she is not even his. I don’t think I would have an issue if it was his biological daughter.
The money I feel should be put towards my son and our future children, will now be used on this little girl as well. I told him that my son’s college is already paid for, but I am not going to be shelling out to send her to school when I will have my future children to worry about.
Plus, this little girl is not very bright and is very needy. My son is very sweet, intelligent, and independent.
I adore him. I don’t think I will ever be able to treat her the same. My son will always come before her.
Do you think that I can marry my boyfriend and provide his daughter with some sort of mother/female figure? I know I will never be able to be “Mom” like I am to my son but do you think it will be enough if I treat her well and love her as a niece or something?
My mom and ex-husband say no. I think I could swing it.
It’s just so frustrating that her own mother thinks she can just throw up her hands and expect other people to raise her child. It’s not the first time she’s done this, either. She has four other children who she doesn’t have anything to do with.
I think I would be happier if he just gave her back to her mom and let us have children of our own. Plus, her mother doesn’t want any other woman being “mommy” to her daughter. She doesn’t want to do it but she doesn’t want me to do it either.
Blah! It is just so frustrating. What do you think about all of this?
Thanks !
– Concerned
SCOTT: I think I’m pretty frustrated about this situation too. It’s so sad that this poor little girl has already had a turbulent upbringing, but there’s no need for it to continue and you can do something about it!
Yes, she’s an inconvenience to you. But please tell me what difference it really makes whether she’s your boyfriend’s biological child. None whatsoever! He has chosen to be a parent to this girl and thank God someone has!
You say your son will always come first, but how would you feel if your boyfriend said that his “kind-of-daughter” will always come first, and that he could never treat your son the same? Not very good.
And what if — God forbid — something happened to you one day and your boyfriend wanted to raise your son, but his new girlfriend wants him to get rid of your son because he’s not the actual biological father?
The poor girl doesn’t have a mother figure. Her biological mother sounds like a complete mess, so forget about what she wants altogether.
In fact, if you do decide to be involved in raising your boyfriend’s daughter, I would look into seeking full custody so her substandard mother can’t change her mind one day and come to collect her.
I don’t know if you can raise someone else’s child and be a mother to her, but I do think you could find a way to accept her and be a supportive friend to her. At the very least, try not to interfere with your boyfriend’s choice to raise her.
He may not be her biological father, but a father is a father, and if you love him as you say you do, then you need to accept that he has a daughter just as he has accepted that you have a son.