Dear Amy: I am 34 years old. I would like to get back in touch with my father.
My mother and father never married. In fact, they never really had much of a relationship. It was over before my mother realized she was pregnant.
My mother (and our family) raised me, and when I was young I visited him and his wife and my half-siblings a few times a year.
I never felt comfortable there for many reasons, but the biggest reason was that they were very religious at the time and tried to demonize my mother for being a single mother. It was so wrong to me, even as a 6-year-old.
When I was around 11 or 12, I decided I didn’t want to go there anymore and apparently that was fine with them too.
I live thousands of miles away from my home now. I have a great relationship with my mother. My father and my half-sister have tried to contact me through my mother. She told me about it both times, but I wasn’t ready. The last attempt was several years ago.
I have found my father’s phone number through Google. I want to contact him and my half-sister, but I feel like just calling and saying, “This is your long-lost daughter” would be too much of a blow to the psyche for both of us.
Is there any way to do this so that no one has to freak out?
– Also Amy
Dear Also Amy: Make the call. Script out something to get you started and go ahead and practice in the mirror.
If you end up leaving a message, make sure to say that you realize he has tried to contact you over the years and that you appreciate it but that you weren’t ready. Tell him that your life is good (I certainly hope it is) and that you were prompted to call because you realize you’re ready to reach out and you hope he is too.
Leave your number, slowly and clearly, and also an e-mail address.
E-mail might be a great way for the two of you to get to know one another, though it doesn’t work for everyone.
If you don’t hear back, you might want to follow up with a letter, though I’m sure you realize that your father might not be ready to communicate with you right now. (I’ll bet he’s thrilled, though.) Good luck!
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Dear Amy: I am wondering about something I have never seen in an advice column. A recent acquaintance of mine is getting married. As far as I know, it is a casual affair.
She sent out and handed out invitations; however she ran out of invitations and handed me one that had been copied on a copier, unfolded and with no front.
My question is if I should go or not. I feel this is an insult and have no desire to go or even respond.
Another situation I ran into last Christmas was when another acquaintance was having a party and sending out invitations. When she saw me, realizing that she had left me out, she wrote the information on a spiral notebook and tore it out and handed it to me.
I did not attend, because again I felt it was an insult and an afterthought.
What has happened to our etiquette? Has it gone down the tubes? What is your opinion?
– Trecia in Portland, Ore.
Dear Trecia: An invitation is an invitation – no matter what paper stock it is issued on.
If you don’t want to attend these events, then don’t. But you should politely respond to all invitations, otherwise you’ll seem like one of those ungracious people who never properly R.S.V.P. to invitations.
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