Q: I am a Latina mom, 18 and single. I had my daughter at 16 when I worked part time at a freight company and full time at a body shop. I am now working full time selling after-market parts for cars. It’s hard being a single mom, but I do get money and support sometimes.
I have a problem with the man I love seeing other girls, but have a hard time telling him no when he wants me. I get very jealous, and I understand that he has chosen to move on and experience life. But I’m not ready to move on.
How can I make it easier for myself to move on and accept that he doesn’t want me anymore?
Lily: Your first love can leave a lasting impact on your life. But now your life has a different focus: your hijita.
Moving on is not easy. Neither is working full time to support your family as a single parent. Here is what I suggest: When you’re not working, spend as much time as possible with your daughter. She’s at an age where everything is new. Discovering all these things can be fun, and they don’t have to be expensive. This will take your mind off this guy, and it will strengthen the bond between you and your child.
You are still young, so find a prima, tia or amiga to watch your little girl one day and devote the afternoon to yourself. Go shopping or to a movie or buy a book you’ve been wanting to read. Start a garden or get a massage. Do something that celebrates you and enriches your life. It will take time for you to move on. Just take it day by day.
Catherine: First, cut off all romantic relations with this man. This is easier said than done, because you have created one of the strongest bonds possible by coming together physically and bringing a child into the world.
You should, however, see the situation for what it truly is. He is using you.
Set some ground rules so you won’t be put in a compromising situation again. Make a commitment to yourself not to answer his phone calls after a certain time. Whatever the situation may be, set up roadblocks for yourself so you can get out of this pattern. Make it clear to him that you are closing the door – with your words and your actions.
Danny: You have the power to emancipate yourself from depressing and demoralizing treatment. Any relationship you build has to address three basic principles. It must nourish your emotional and spiritual growth. It must encompass truth and trust. And it must encourage you to always become a better person. You have already made three mistakes with this guy, so allowing him to keep using you will be your fourth.
Every decision you make from now on has to be in the best interest of your daughter, and it has to strengthen your ability to be a great mom, protector and provider.
No amount of reading or spending time with your child will erase the co-dependency you display for this man. You are now a mature and responsible young adult mother with the power to choose and make her own destiny. You have already taken some positive steps to being a great person. Stop leaning on this guy and kick him to the curb.
GLOSSARY
hijita: little daughter
prima, tia or amiga: cousin, aunt or friend
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