Dear Amy: Six months ago, the wife of one of my husband’s co-workers told me that my husband had an affair with his secretary two years ago and because everyone in the office knew, she thought I should know too.
At the time, I suspected he was being unfaithful and arranged for us to get counseling.
He insisted he was always faithful, and he made a real effort to improve our relationship.
The past two years with him were lovely until this shocking disclosure. No one, including myself, would have dreamed our relationship was in trouble.
I have left my husband and plan to divorce him. I can’t seem to regain trust or respect.
I’ve been enraged that his secretary continues to work for him and that he has no plans to replace her. He insists that the affair was brief and that it has been over for two years.
My husband is miserable and begging me to reconsider. I feel much too betrayed and angry to stay in the marriage, but I’m starting to look like a witch to our adult children, who expect me to patch up this 30-year marriage.
Can you help me sort this out?
– Pressured and Hurting
Dear Hurting: It’s not your sole responsibility to try to patch up your marriage; it should be up to both of you, and counseling is the appropriate avenue.
I know you feel this has dealt a fatal blow to your relationship, but many marriages do pull back from the brink after infidelity, as long as both parties work hard to recommit to each other. Because you are both miserable being apart, I hope you can see this as an opportunity to grow and change together.
Your husband should alter his work situation to make you feel more comfortable, and you should work very hard to forgive him. If you can’t find a way to forgive him and somehow find peace with this, then his infidelity will dictate the future course of your life.
…
Dear Amy: My husband and I had a disagreement over what I felt was a normal request for a wife to make.
He was starting a new job and had been given the directions to the location of the job site. (He works in construction.) I asked him how to get there, and he stated that he hadn’t even looked at the directions yet.
We both knew the general vicinity of the job, but I wanted to know exactly how to get there.
Later that evening, I asked if he had looked at the directions yet and he said he would check them in the morning before going to the job. They were in his car. I asked if he would go get them so that I could look at them. He acted offended, but he did go take a look at them. He came back in and spouted the street address of the site, which gave me no more information than I already had. I wanted to see the driving directions.
He argued that I could have waited until the next day because he could tell me where the job site was when he got home. I find his cagey behavior and defensive reaction to my inquiry odd and hurtful.
Should my inquiring be considered meddling or intrusive? As his wife, don’t I have a right to know where my husband’s job site is located? Was I way out of bounds?
– Confused
Dear Confused: Are you your husband’s mommy? Did you need the exact driving directions in order to deliver him a fresh-baked pie on his first day? I gather that the answer to both of these questions is “no,” so why couldn’t you wait for your husband to come home to tell you all about his first day on the job – including where, exactly, the job is located? When people work in various job locations, sometimes you just don’t feel like thinking about the particulars of your new work site until the day of the job dawns, after you have had your morning coffee.
I’m with your husband. Give him a break.
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