I have to disagree with my shrink: I am not competitive. I would rather not compete at all than have to lose. Colorado people, on the other hand, have this need to go a little higher, a little faster or a little longer. Your accomplishments always are going to be one-upped by another overachiever who has not quite found an outlet for all the ambition he or she left behind in the real world. Whatever miraculous feat you think you have just accomplished, the guy sitting next to you at the bar is going to undermine you by telling you he did it (or better yet, knows someone else who can do it) faster, longer or better.
The thing that really gets me is when people get competitive about hiking. Running or biking I can understand – but hiking? If you thought getting to the top of the mountain was the goal, think again.
In Aspen, these Ego Measuring Sticks are all around, and if you try real hard, you can put a few notches in your belt by conquering new heights: Ahhh, the mountain air, the views, the bragging rights! Just don’t expect anyone to be impressed.
Ego ruler No. 1: the local loop
Smuggler was the first hike I did in Aspen, and it should be considered easy. It’s a dirt road and only 1.6 miles one way, which is perfect for sweating out a hangover or for women toting their newborns in those crazy baby backpack things. Yet people treat it like some measure of their athletic prowess. If you tell someone you just went up Smuggler, inevitably the first thing they want to know is, “How long did it take you?” I’ve hiked it, ridden it and run it, and I hate to say it takes me about the same amount of time any way.
Ego ruler No. 2: the short-but-steep trail
A personal trainer once told me the Ute Trail has 23 switchbacks, and every time I go up it, I can’t understand how he had the attention span to count. All I know is it makes me sweat in a way that I’m positive I’m burning tons of calories. It’s short and difficult – basically the outdoor town Stairmaster. You don’t need to get all technical and geared out to do this hike – shorts and a jog bra work just fine, although the first time I did it in my running shoes I slid and fell off the trail down one of those ravines. I scraped up the very same rear end I imagined would look better after this hike, not worse. Instead of being round and firm, it was bruised, scraped and covered in a layer of dust and dirt. Yes, it took me longer than 30 minutes.
Ego ruler No. 3: the ski area hike
I’m sorry, but the first time I walked up Aspen Mountain, it kicked my butt. It’s long and steep, with very little traversing or flats. Imagine my surprise when I met a girl at the coffee shop who nonchalantly told me she “ran up Ajax this morning,” as if running up Ajax were a walk in the park. I’m sorry, but I do not see how you could possibly run up that mountain. Ajax has taunted me ever since, like a big, mean, older brother I’ll never be able to beat. “Just try running up me, penguin legs,” it says. “Just try.”
Ego ruler No. 4: the stand-out peak
This is a great one for chairlift trivia: Mount Sopris is one of the fastest-rising mountains in the state with 6,773 vertical feet from its base at Carbondale to its 12,953-foot summit. It stands out like the guy in the room who has the squarest jaw and the finest features. It’s so beautiful and impossible to ignore. When I finally reached the top of the East Summit after an arduous four hours, everyone wanted to know if I was planning on continuing to the West Summit – as if only reaching one summit was somehow totally lame.
Ego ruler No. 5: the Fourteener
The way I see it, the whole 14,000-foot-peak thing is kind of like owning a Beemer or dating a super-hot guy. The combination of aesthetic beauty and status is too much to resist, but it’s really all about the status. Forget about all those beautiful 13,999-foot cliffs – they’re too short.
Maybe I should just take a walk in the park – that might be the one thing around here no one wants to brag about.
Freelance columnist Alison Berkley can be reached at alison@berkleymedia.com.
