Q: I am 31 years old and have never been married. I have been living with my 42-year-old boyfriend for three years. A year ago he bought me an engagement ring, and, although he never has proposed, he introduces me as his fiancée. When we met five years ago, he was separated from his wife. They later divorced, and he always said he would never marry again.
I was depressed recently because my sister, who is 22, got married. I was happy for her, but at the same time I felt like it was my turn. I love my boyfriend, and I know he loves me. He finally asked me what would make me happy, and I told him that getting married would.
He said OK, but not any time soon. I told him how about in two years, and he agreed. After two weeks, I told him I was thinking we should get married in May 2007. He said he wouldn’t get married in May because that’s when he and his ex-wife got married. When I suggested August, he said he didn’t want to talk about marriage anymore.
Did he tell me he would marry me just to keep me quiet? Does he really want to get married? If he says he will marry me, why do I feel like he is scared? What should I do? I feel like our relationship is not going anywhere.
Danny: The reality of your relationship is summarized in the last line of your testament, although your relationship has gone somewhere – just not in the direction you wanted. It really sounds like you’re looking for a marriage to make you happy instead of happier.
Your boyfriend/fiancé is certainly playing the part you want him to, and he gives you enough hope to keep you around. But it sounds as if the man was actually honest and upfront with you from the beginning. He said he would never marry again, but you heard it was your responsibility to change his mind. Three years later you are still hoping and looking for happiness as life passes you by. Avoid the ultimatum here and give the ring back.
Wanting and wishing this guy to be the one to make it “your turn” does not guarantee a happy marriage. Now that you’ve finally realized what he meant by “I’ll never marry again,” move on and start finding happiness from within.
Lily: For once, Danny and I are on the same page. Your guy just doesn’t sound like he’s that into you!
Anyone can split the bills with you; anyone can buy you a ring; anyone can call you his fiancée. But it takes a really special person to be a spouse.
You are not wrong for wanting all this – but this may be the wrong relationship to expect it from. You are young, have no family with this man, and have given this relationship enough time to evolve into something.
You shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells when discussing one of the most important days in your life. Move out, and hopefully this neutral territory will allow you to reassess your relationship. Whatever you decide, always remember that you deserve someone who has the same life goals as you. He’s out there. You just have to keep looking.
Catherine: I can’t believe it! I completely agree with Danny’s answer too. Your significant other was honest with you by saying that he would never marry again, so accept that.
Greg Behrendt, who co-wrote the book “He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys,” sums up this type of situation best: “He’s not really saying that he doesn’t want to get married. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married to you.”
Behrendt goes on to write that there’s nothing wrong, shameful or “unliberated” about wanting to get married, but it’s vital to choose a partner who shares your views for the future. If you can’t, move on as quickly as you can, because “big plans require big action.” Amen to that.
Consejos is a bilingual advice column focused on relationships, culture and identity. E-mail your questions or comments to consejos@dallasnews.com. Or send your letters to Consejos, c/o Texas Living, The Dallas Morning News, 508 Young St., Dallas, TX 75202. Visit Lily, Catherine and Danny online at DallasNews.com/consejos.
