Q: Scott,
I wanted to let you know my ex-girlfriend moved back to town yesterday.
Those 246 days were filled with emptiness, loneliness,
wheel-spinning, yet also introspection and hope. I’m trying now to continue
focusing on “me” and also on being patient, supportive, and available for
her.
Right before she moved back, she e-mailed a co-worker of mine (old friend of
hers) and asked if I was dating anyone. The co-worker forwarded it on to me,
and within minutes, my ex sent me the same e-mail.
Although it may not have been her business, I felt it was my opportunity to be even more transparent with her. I told her about the friend I had been casually “seeing,” and how I ended it. That night on the telephone, she asked the big question: Had I slept with the woman.
Again, none of her business, really, but since she asked I felt the right thing to do was tell her. Yes … a couple of times. As you could imagine, she didn’t take it real well.
When I told some friends about this, the responses ranged from “good for you for being honest” to “what the heck is she asking you that for?” to “oh, man … you should’ve told her NO!”
My therapist said I did the right thing, but perhaps I should’ve said “are we having an ‘us’ conversation right now? Why
do you ask?” Regardless, she would’ve found out eventually and I figured it’d be better if it was from me.
Clearly, my ex was testing me to see if I’d not be truthful about the other lady. Do you feel my transparency went too far?
Damned if you do and damned if you don’t?
Signed,
– (Not quite as) Confused & (Still Very) Committed
SCOTT: When you and your ex broke up, you became a free agent. She moved away, you
met someone new and engaged in sex. That does happen.
Why, it was just yesterday, I was on my way to a meeting when this old bald guy in a convertible Lexus (the sporty one) – who was way too busy on his cell phone to pay attention to anything else – comes out from nowhere and completely
cuts me off. True story. No signal or nothing and it’s like: be considerate to others, dude, OK? You’re old!
I know. What does that have to do with your question?
Well, nothing, so getting back, when she asked you about the other girl, you chose to tell her the truth. Good move!
Yeah, you could’ve told her it wasn’t any of her business but we’re talking about THE girl you want to be with so that kind
of response would’ve gone over like a lead balloon. I think you did the right thing.
Good things happen to good people but sometimes it takes a while. And it sounds like you’re getting some recent interest from her so make sure you continue to give her an adequate amount of space.
It’s the most powerful thing you can do right now.
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