Dear Amy: I am 17, and I have been with my girlfriend for more than a year.
We are together all the time, and normally things are great, but an issue has been arising. Whenever we get into a fight, regardless of what it’s about, I take the blame.
My girlfriend is incredibly demanding at times, and she never believes that anything is her fault. I have tried talking with her countless times, but it doesn’t work. She refuses to listen to anything that she thinks is critical.
How can I show her that she’s being incredibly demanding and unfair, and at the same time have her respect me? I don’t want this relationship to end. Most of the time it’s perfect.
– Struggling
Dear Struggling: Because your girlfriend doesn’t listen to you, it’s time to show her how you feel. One way to assert your power is to act powerful. Pretend, for a moment, that you are as cool as Tobey Maguire. The next time your girlfriend won’t take responsibility for something she has done, tell her, “I really like you, but if you want to be with me, you’re going to have to figure out how to take responsibility for your actions and also treat me with some respect.” Then you get your coat and go.
Your girlfriend might fly into full-drama mode. She might call all of her girlfriends to cry and leave you long messages about how unfair you are being. She may reveal just how insecure she really is – because the most demanding people are often the most insecure. They are constantly testing you to see what you’ll tolerate.
She may even say she doesn’t want to see you anymore, and I think you have to be prepared for that. Your goal should be to be in a relationship that is a partnership of equals.
Now it’s time to push back. If you don’t – if you continue to tolerate her manipulations – then you’ll end up with more of the same. And you don’t want that.
…
Dear Amy: I have to disagree with your advice to “Chicago Chica” to ignore street harassers. Here are some things she and other women can do: Tell them what you want, for example: “Leave me alone.” “Don’t talk to me that way.” “Please show me some respect.” “Stop harassing me.” Act confident and calm: Use your voice, facial expression and body language to give a consistent message.
If they don’t do what you ask, repeat yourself, more intensely.
Define your own success. Often, after you have said what you need to say, you can leave (your integrity intact, no matter what the harasser says).
As a self-defense teacher, I have seen many women use these techniques to stand up to harassment and claim their right to walk down the street unmolested and without fear.
– Lauren Taylor, Washington, D.C.
Dear Lauren: Thank you so much for this excellent advice. To clarify, the woman who wrote to me didn’t say she felt afraid – she said that she didn’t like these sidewalk catcalls, and I don’t blame her a bit.
I heard from many women who suggested confronting the construction crew and shouting a variety of phrases and epithets, both in English and Spanish. Some suggested calling the police. One suggested calling out the ringleader and asking him to lunch.
Honestly, I can’t imagine confronting these people. I believe a confrontation brings up too many frightening possibilities. I can only imagine ignoring them, or perhaps speaking to their supervisor if I felt that things were out of hand. That’s why I suggested that this young woman should plug into an iPod and ignore the catcalls. (I was also criticized for this – though I have to point out that it is possible to be both plugged-in and aware of your surroundings. Simply remove one ear bud.) I bow to your experience, and I hope that women are able to successfully implement your suggestions.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
