For nearly 30 years, Ken and Carol Holt have had a thing for “Star Wars.” They saw the original movie in 1977 on their first date.
Back then, as college students at the University of Nevada-Las Vegas, the Holts were swept up by the power of The Force. Like just about everybody else.
Riding high on the optimism encapsulated in the sci-fi saga, they married later that year. The ideas of destiny, good triumphing over evil and a positive future spoke to them.
“Ken wasn’t sure where he was going, and I wasn’t so sure either,” explains Carol Holt, now 53, of Parker. “As far as our relationship, we really just bonded with the story line.”
With each new “Star Wars” movie, the Holts established a tradition. They watched the previous episodes on video or DVD, then they headed out opening day for hamburgers and the latest installment. The burger venue has changed over the years: First it was McDonald’s, then Burger King, now it’s Carl’s Jr. Even so, the excitement of watching the movie together continued.
“I think it’s just something that perpetuates itself,” says Ken Holt, also 53. “I think throughout their marriage people start doing something, and it becomes, for lack of a better word, a ‘ritual,’ and they keep doing it. Every time we (watch the movies), it brings us back to an earlier time.”
By creating this little tradition, the Holts did a very good thing for their marriage. They not only established a personal mythology to help tell the tale of their early romance but also rooted it in pop culture, which often provides defining moments, or markers, for our lives. Such efforts, commemorating the time and emotional space of original love, are good for long-term relationships because they create a sense of romantic renewal.
First, says Zachary White, who researches social influence at the University of San Francisco, “when we have to explain to others how we fell in love with someone or started dating someone, it always comes in the form of a story.
“That’s what pop culture expects. We do a little bit of revisionist history. We create a little better beginning, middle and end of the story. It has to be reduced to an event, or a specific time, or a specific place, because it’s hard for others to understand what goes on in our head when we fall in love.”
Retelling such stories helps couples bond. “That common narrative brings a couple together,” White says. “That narrative is what I would call intimacy. Intimacy to me is a shared way of looking at the world, and the first part of that is looking at the past.”
Watershed events, like Woodstock, “Star Wars,” certain rock ‘n’ roll concerts and even 9/11, greatly affect the relationships established in their milieu.
“If you have those kinds of things in common on a first date,” says Laura Shamas, a professor at both the University of Southern California and Pepperdine University, mythology guru and creator of HeadlineMuse.com, “it will spill over into how you define your relationship and how you feel about each other.”
The optimism and heroics of “Star Wars,” in particular, Shamas adds, likely spurred discussions about the future and about fighting for the things you believe in. Plus, anytime you share a big cultural phenomenon where other people are gathered, you gain the elevation or boost that comes from the “witness of community.”
In the dating process, we search for points of intersection. If those original sparks can be fanned into a full-burning romance, they deserve to be marked as future touchstones.
Beyond calendar anniversaries, romantic rituals that “commemorate or celebrate initiation into a relationship bring renewal,” Shamas says.
“Sometimes relationships get so complex, you think, ‘Why did we come together?’ Rituals can be a reminder of earlier times, a celebration of that first connection.”
Howard Markman, co-director of the Center for Marital and Family Studies at the University of Denver and co-author of “12 Hours to a Great Marriage” (Jossey-Bass, 2003), explains that while such pop-culture-based connections don’t carry the weight of core beliefs, like religion, they do provide the chance to have fun, which is also important in long-term relationships.
If those fun times, Markman says, also lead to romantic rituals, then “it’s wonderful. It’s a statement to your partner that your relationship is important. You only ritualize things that are important to you.”
Creating such moments might feel a little artificial at first. “If it comes naturally,” he says, “that’s terrific. If not, then push yourself to create them, and if it feels goofy, then laugh about it, but still do it.”
Even though all six “Star Wars” movies have been released, the Holts’ tradition will continue via DVD. They may not watch all episodes in one day anymore, unless there’s a huge snowstorm, but they will return to the saga regularly.
“It brings us great joy and hope,” says Carol Holt. And, thanks to a plasma screen TV and surround sound, it’s almost like going to the theater. “We crank it up, baby,” she adds. “It’s like we’re right there.”
