Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for more than 17 years, and our inability to constructively solve disagreements is getting worse as time goes on.
Whenever I do something that upsets him or inconveniences him, not only does he give me grief for the offense, but he also accuses me of acting deliberately to jerk him around and play control games.
If I try to deny malice as a motive for my actions, he accuses me of being defensive and refusing to admit that I was wrong. I don’t mean to downplay the original fault, but I get upset and insulted about how he interprets my motives.
If I try to apologize for the original offense, but not for my “motivations,” then my apology is unacceptable. My apology is also unacceptable if I don’t promise to never commit the offense again.
It’s not acceptable if I merely promise to try not to commit the offense again, because that’s not a “real” promise. If I apologize too quickly, then I’m just saying that to avoid dealing with my real problems.
On those rare occasions when I complain about something he does that bothers me, he either exaggerates what I’ve said to make it sound ridiculous. I know he’s controlling, paranoid, negative and critical.
We are both in individual counseling and just began marriage counseling for the fourth time.
– Running out of Patience, Energy and Love
Dear Running: Let me get this straight. You are both in individual counseling and have just begun marriage counseling for the fourth time. I assume you have sent several marriage counselors running screaming into the night because even reading your letter has given me a headache.
So far, therapy seems to have taught you to describe your husband’s anger mismanagement in minute detail. From what you say, he has learned the exact same thing and throws it right back at you.
If your husband is manipulative, abusive and perpetually angry with you, why do you stay in this marriage? I assume you stay in order to fight with him. If this is the case, please tell your therapist that I said you should stop it.
…
Dear Amy: I am responding to a recent letter from a young woman who was worried about marrying a man who had a disabled sister who she knew would always need care. The woman didn’t want to take on the responsibility.
When I first started dating my fiancé, we had a serious conversation about how he would always need to live near and take care of his father (who has the use only of his right arm as a result of a brain aneurysm). This could possibly mean that one of us might have to quit our job to take care of his father.
We had only been dating for three weeks when he told me this – but he wanted me to know so that I had the option of “getting out now.” Knowing that I was in love with him, I immediately told him that I would be more than happy to take on the added responsibilities of his family members. I still feel that way today and would hope that this young woman could begin to feel that way as well.
– Meghan McGreevey
Dear Meghan: Your letter makes an excellent point, but surely you also understand that not everyone is up to the challenges of caring for an in-law. That’s why it’s good to think about it clearly and completely – well in advance of a marriage.
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