Q: Hey Scott,
Hope you can help me out. My wife and I have been married for five years –
second marriage for both of us. We each have two children — their ages are
staircased in the late teens. Her kids live with us but mine do not.
Since we have been together, my wife as a mom felt she needed to
do everything for her kids since their father really has not been apart of
their lives. Their only responsibility in the house is to clean their
bedrooms, which is not enforced. (I have tried but been overridden in the
past.)
Our family income has not been enough to allow us to pay for things my wife
feels we should pay for… such as college, everything to do with
graduation. She even thinks we should pay for their cars and insurance on
top of all their clothing desires.
Obviously, I disagree… I feel they
should help keep the whole house clean — after all they don’t just live in
their bedrooms — and it is time they started paying for some of their
expenses.
In addition to covering the regular household expenses, I have
agreed to provide each child, including my own, with a certain amount
towards college. My wife does not think I should be paying anything for my
kids’ college because “that was what child support was for.”
All four kids
are working and both of our oldest are in college.
Here is the issue for this e-mail: My wife decided to get a part-time job,
in addition to her full-time position, so she can pay for some of the things
she feels we should be picking up the tab for, even though she feels that
it is my responsibility to bring in the extra funds that would allow us to
pay for these items.
I do have a full-time position and I get paid for
over-time. However, she does not consider the OT to be “real” income — my
OT goes to the general household budget and not specifically to her kids’
wishes and wants.
Therefore, she feels I should be the one working a
part-time job and resents the fact that I am not.
On top of all of this, she feels that since she is working two jobs, the
responsibility for keeping the house up falls to me. She gets very upset
when I tell her kids they need to clean their bathroom or sweep the
downstairs or clean up their mess in the kitchen.
Obviously, we have more than this one issue that we have been dealing with
since our marriage. But based on this info and the fact these issues have
only gotten worse over time (counseling has not helped), is it time for me
to move on?
On a side note, I do get along well with her kids even if they
don’t like to help around the house.
Thanks for listening.
– Steamin’ in Del
SCOTT: I’m a bit steamin’ after reading your e-mail! The kids should be cleaning up
after themselves and that practice should’ve started about as early as they
learned to make a mess.
Having household chores teaches kids good habits and
responsibility and even helps prepare them for one day entering into their
own unions.
You make a mess, you clean it up. What a concept! It works.
If you don’t teach your kids that, there will most definitely be problems
later, so I’m with you on that one.
And since when does child support go towards college? Child support is
intended to be used just as it sounds: to support the child. If it was
supposed to go towards their higher education, it would be called “college
support.”
I’m with you on that too. Your kids have the same essential needs
as your wife’s kids, absolutely.
And I’m with you on this (how lucky you wrote to me!): your wife is placing
unreasonable demands on you by asking that you work more than you already do
just so you can afford cars and clothes for the kids. They work now, so
perhaps they should start helping with some minor expenses, as well as the
chores.
What your family needs most right now are some rules and organization, and
that starts with you and your wife. But you apparently have some
disagreements when it comes to responsibility, raising kids and money, which
need to be worked out.
Do you love her? Sit down with her and try to talk
(not argue) and figure out a way to compromise. If that doesn’t work, write
her a letter telling her how important it is to you that you resolve this.
Yeah, you’ve got kids and you’ve got your jobs, but what about your
relationship with each other? Tell your wife how important that is too.
I
get a feeling your relationship with each other has gotten lost somewhere in
all of this and it would benefit both of you to get that back.
That’s all for now. Good luck!
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