Q: Hi Scott,
I’ve been reading your articles for only about a month now, and I pretty much agree completely with your
assessments.
But, although I’ve never considered myself conservative, I have
noticed that your advice doesn’t seem to include much of working things out.
When someone is dating, I agree that the red flags seen now are going to
likely be sure-shot relationship-killers in the future. However, when
someone is married, why don’t you advise them to work harder for a positive
resolution?
Yes, sometimes marriages should be kaput. I personally have
been married twice, but somehow feel a bit ashamed for it, although the
first husband cheated, and the second drank to excess.
My point is this:
Today you suggested that the woman with the cheating, “victimized, pig” not
wait around to see if he’s ever “victimized” again.
I was thinking that
this woman may be in a bad position to be single (mother, jobless, no real
skills, etc…) and that she might be in a situation that was a working
agreement for the marriage, but not for being single. Beyond that, maybe
this couple loves each other and has a lot of roots.
This doesn’t mean that
he should be pardoned, but maybe that he should have to work his butt off to
re-earn some of what he’s carelessly dumped.
Somehow today I felt like you
dismissed her a bit.
Did I read somewhere you made a statement about the high divorce rate not
being high enough (couldn’t find it in looking back)? I’m not into staying
with the wrong people, but all relationships take work, whether it’s your
kids, friends, siblings, or spouses.
Maybe you should encourage more
effort?
Respectfully
– EJ
SCOTT: Hi EJ. Thanks for your e-mail.
I advised the woman whose husband had been traveling across the country to
be with another woman, to dump him because he was continually lying and
cheating. And if you had written to me about your first husband, I would’ve
advised you to do the same thing.
There’re certain lines you absolutely
should never cross in a relationship, and lying and cheating are right there
at the top.
This poor woman was constantly being deceived, and then when she
found out about it, her pathetic loser of a husband tried to convince her
that he was taken advantage of by his mistress.
Let’s take an inventory: we now have a lying cheating manipulative husband. Do you really think I should’ve told her to work things out with him? No
way.
He can try to fool her but he can’t fool me. The way I see it, there
isn’t a whole lot left in that relationship to work out.
When I said the divorce rate is too low in this country, it was in a column
about a woman who had been through the ringer in her relationship. In her
case, she had been in therapy with and without her husband and tried every
course of action to make it work over a long period of time.
But it didn’t.
Even her therapist and those closest to her told her not to wait any longer.
Plus, she’s now attracted to someone else but still lives under the same
roof with her “husband.” Why? For the kids!
Realistically, what do you think
the chances are that this relationship could work?
I do advise people to work on their relationships when there’s a good
possibility they could be successful. But these two didn’t stand a chance.