Q: Hello Scott!
I’ve really enjoyed reading your columns over the past months.
You’ve asked for questions, so here’s mine, sparked by some answers you’ve
given in the past regarding waiting and moving on:
How long is too long to wait to see if an exclusive relationship is
possible?
I met “Mike” last August, and we’ve been going on dates twice a month
or so since then. We’re both in our mid to late 30’s.
Until April, I was
also dating other men. I had thought of Mike as a very nice, fun guy, but
since I’ve been impetuous in the past, I didn’t want to rush things, with
him or with anyone else, and I thought the best way to do that was to keep
dating non-exclusively until I was in love with someone who was clearly and
openly in love with me.
(I’m happy with my life now, but I would like to be
in a monogamous, committed relationship, if things work out that way — I’m
not feeling any time or social pressure to be in a relationship, though.)
Then in April, I realized that I really felt comfortable with Mike. He has
his quirks, but in a way I feel good with.
He’s got a great, unique sense of
humor, he’s kind, generous, and intelligent as well as down-to-earth. I like
the way he carries himself, how he sees the world, and how he treats me and
other people.
He’s affectionate — physically and emotionally (as well as
being a sensitive lover). He’s talented and dedicated to his work and his
art, and he’s very supportive of me and my work.
We’re both artists, both
divorced for about two years, after brief, 1.5-year marriages, no children
(and neither of us want children). He’s not dating anyone else, and lately
we’re seeing each other a little more often, and he does call more often.
We
spent New Year’s Eve together, too, and we had a great time. Icing on the
cake: he’s also gorgeous, and not vain about it.
Basically, I feel good with
him, and I’ve fallen in love with him.
So I’m no longer comfortable dating other men, since I know that Mike is
important to me, and if he were interested in dating me exclusively, I would
say “yes” without any hesitation. I haven’t told him how I feel yet, and I
don’t know if I should — I don’t want to place any pressure if it’s too
soon.
My strongest inclination is to wait and just see what happens, stay
open and enjoy, be kind and patient and loving — because what will be, will
be.
Also, it took me eight months to get to this point! I know
that 10 months is not a lot of time at all to know someone, but I do wonder
if a man hasn’t asked to date you exclusively by that point (and then get to
know each other better), does that mean he’s not interested in that way?
Thanks so much, and take care,
– Lorelei (not my real name!)
SCOTT: “Lorelei,” what a beautiful fake name!
Lorelei, Mike sounds like an absolute
dream. We like Mike.
Finally, you met someone on your level and you want to
hold on to him. Know what? I don’t even need to tell you how to make that
happen, because you’re already doing it.
But I’ll help you out with your
question about dating exclusively.
If he hasn’t asked you to date
exclusively by month 10, does it mean he’s not interested in being
exclusive? Absolutely not!
Don’t jump the gun with Mike. Keep doing what you’re doing and remain
patient for that first landmark in the relationship.
Keep it light and have
a good time with him for now. As far as nailing him down permanently, just
go by Mike’s actions.
Look, he’s been still sticking around this long and doesn’t seem to be going
anywhere soon, so obviously, you’re doing something right!
Dear Readers: I need more questions! I write this column 5x per week and that’s a lot! But I couldn’t do it without you. I don’t just write love advice, either.
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