Q: Scott,
Recently, my older brother got married for a fourth time to a woman nearly
half his age. This is her third marriage and she has two kids.
I think the
marriage is a mistake for two reasons: For one thing, because every one of my
brother’s prior marriages ended because he had affairs and racked up
enormous debts. Another reason is that this woman goes into rages because
she thinks we siblings aren’t reaching out to her.
I’m not close to my
brother and they live 250 miles away, so I don’t feel compelled to “reach
out.”
Most of my sisters dislike our brother due to molestation issues and
the resulting emotional scars. Anyway, my brother and his new wife flew to
Las Vegas to get married and they were hurt that none of the family made the
cross-country trip to attend (having not received a formal invitation).
That’s the back story … here’s the dilemma, if you will:
My brother is supposedly going to be throwing some celebratory bash next
month and, word is, he’s telling people he’ll be hurt and upset if his
siblings don’t attend.
Another side note is that my brother has the habit of
trying to win approval by lavishly entertaining people when he can’t afford
it, and people like me encourage him not to go overboard.
Anyway, I hope it works out for him this time, but don’t feel too compelled
to attend his party, given it’s his fourth lap around the block, so to
speak.
Am I being shallow? What would you do?
Signed,
– Skeptical Sibling
SCOTT: Shallow? Hardly!
I’m a bit skeptical about your brother dashing to the altar
every time he hooks up with a girl, but that’s his problem. He’s obviously
made some bad choices in his life and not just in matrimony.
The molestation
issue you casually mentioned was quite telling and you have every right not
to attend his pricey bash if you don’t feel comfortable. Who could blame you
for not wanting to be involved in all of this?
But what do you do when you don’t want to cause waves with him and his new
bride?
Simple. Tell him you have to work and while you would love to go,
it’s just not going to be possible. Then send a thoughtful gift that you
didn’t overspend on and then cleanse your hands of the whole thing.
You’re 250 miles away and sometimes distance is a good thing. Embrace it.
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