Dear Amy: I am a man in my early 30s and have been exclusively dating and living with my same-age significant other for the last year of our two-year relationship. She is all I’ve ever wanted in a woman – intelligent, funny and giving. Everyone she touches loves her.
But she doesn’t trust me. Frequently, my position takes me out of town. I also entertain clients. She accuses me of cheating on her, and it always ends up in a screaming argument.
She admits that I have never done anything to make me untrustworthy, but she also admits that she will never trust me.
I would love to share the rest of my life with this woman, but I can’t visualize a successful, lasting marriage without trust.
– Not Trusted
Dear Not Trusted: Well, you’re right. You cannot have a successful, lasting marriage without trust. Unfortunately, your partner’s behavior can become an ugly, self-fulfilling prophecy. The more she accuses you of cheating and abuses you when you return from business trips, the less you’ll want to be with her. Then if you break up with her because you can’t take it anymore, she will say, “You see, I was right!” Your partner is going to have to work hard to tackle this. The two of you should see a counselor in order to work on this issue. The counselor may recommend that she receive additional therapy in order to explore the roots of her behavior. Once she is able to manage her feelings and her anger, she’ll start to behave herself.
Your partner’s willingness to work on this issue through therapy should be non-negotiable. Do not commit to a future with her until she proves she is able to mature, grow and handle her trust issues in a healthy way.
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Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship for about three months. But it seems that all my boyfriend wants is a sexual relationship. My friends know him and he tells them he loves me so much! How do I tell him that I’m not ready without ruining a good relationship?
– Disturbed
Dear Disturbed:If your guy is only interested in sex and is pressuring you to have this experience before you’re ready, then you don’t have a good relationship to “ruin.” Good relationships feature lots of talking. Some of that talking should be about sex – about what he wants and what you want, how he feels and how you feel.
You need to say, “I’m not ready to have a sexual relationship.” If your relationship fizzles because of this honest expression of your feelings, then it wasn’t good to begin with.
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Dear Amy: My son graduated from high school with honors and was accepted at a prestigious college. Within the last two years, I have attended four high school graduations, by invitation, of students whose mothers are very good friends of mine, and I gave cash gifts.
My son did not want a party. My friends had asked several times when his graduation date was and the party date. I explained that my son didn’t want a party, but I did inform them of the graduation date.
Two of the friends were at the same graduation ceremony as my son’s. It is now two weeks after the ceremony and I haven’t heard a word from any of these friends as far as reciprocating gifts to my son. I’m a bit insulted that they didn’t go out of their way to send him a card. What is your comment?
– No Party, No Gift?
Dear No Gift: Your friends should have honored your son by acknowledging his graduation, but it seems that they were waiting for an invitation or announcement in order to “reciprocate” with a gift.
When they asked you when the graduation was, this might have been their way of trying to figure out if you would invite them. The two friends who did attend the ceremony (presumably for their own kids) should have been thoughtful enough to recognize your son.
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