It was heartening to see Denver named “Best City for Singles” by Forbes magazine.
Some of you may have suspected we’d win this honor again (Denver was tops last year) after our triumphant emergence as “America’s Drunkest City” according to Men’s Health magazine.
It’s incontrovertible science, actually: Success rates for singles are clinically proven to skyrocket when a majority of the population is inebriated.
Booze – especially if copious amounts are consumed by your date – transforms you into an infinitely smarter, charming and attractive person.
So what, you may ask, are these Denver singles so grumpy about?
In her article “Denver: Stop whining!” Forbes writer Leah Hoffmann contends that Denver daters are petulant and unsatisfied: “Apparently, a low cost of living, a host of cultural options and the beauty of the nearby Rocky Mountains aren’t enough to satisfy them.”
Hoffman began her study of the mating habits of the Mile High City with something called speed dating.
I still maintain Ludacris is an archvillain on the “Superfriends,” so naturally, the next question I had was: What the heck is speed dating?
“When speed dating, you’re in a room with around 10 other people and you rotate six minutes to talk to each person, giving you an opportunity to meet a lot of people,” Hoffman explains. “You have a card with you and you write down the number of the person you’re interested in, and if you’re both interested, the organization hooks you up.”
Genius. Yet even with organizational backup, Hoffman says, it turns out Denver speed daters are a bunch of whiners. But they’re not the only ones.
Hoffman also set up a rendezvous through the dating service Match.com for her visit. So, a 32-year-old defeatist named Joe Sellers charms an attractive, intelligent, single journalist from New York with: “I don’t know, bars seem kind of cheesy.”
“Cheesy bars”? Nice going, Joe.
Fact is, Denver boasts an incredibly diverse night life, from the Donkey Den
(misogynist/bestiality chic) to Mao (mass-murdering communist dictator chic) to any bar on Colfax (old-school smashed chic).
But Hoffman says it’s not just about the bars: “It seems to me there was plenty to do, the museum was very impressive, you guys have all sorts of performing venues,” she explains. “You’re not lacking for things to do; that’s why I was surprised to find people being so negative.”
(To be fair, singles tend to be complainers in all cities. Then, of course, they get married and find something to really complain about.)
How did Denver do it?
Forbes calculated the “night life” index based on the number of restaurants, bars and nightclubs. The “cultural” index was determined by the number of museums, pro sports teams, live theaters and university population. (In an oversight, the Rockies were calculated as a pro team.)
The “cost of living alone” index was the average cost of a metro area’s apartment rent, a Pizza Hut pizza, a movie ticket and a six-pack of Heineken.
“Coolness” was determined by an area’s diversity and its number of “creative” workers – like semi-serious columnists and ethnic-studies professors.
“The newer part of the city, the developments, also strikes me as a very positive factor,” Hoffman says. “They are beautiful, and they attract a lot of people.
Hoffman also told me a lot of people mentioned Denver was a “quickie” city.
What’s wrong with that, I wondered? Wasn’t that often the point?
I was about to embarrass myself when Hoffman clarified that a “quickie” city meant there “are a lot of people that have moved to Denver from other parts of the U.S.” She explained if you’ve moved to Denver, you have a different social circle than if you’re native to it.
And Hoffman’s advice to whiners?
“Get out there! And stop whining! You don’t know how good you have it.”
David Harsanyi’s column appears Monday and Thursday. Reach him at 303-820-1255 or dharsanyi@denverpost.com.
