Homer Simpson once noted that alcohol was “the cause of – and solution to – all life’s problems.”
And in Denver, alcohol soon may be the solution to surviving family reunions and company-sponsored picnics without losing your mind.
If Kim Bailey, director of parks and recreation, gets her way, a proposal that will be presented to an advisory board today could lead to a slackening of restrictions on alcohol consumption in city parks.
If OK’d, Denverites will be able to secure special permits for the right to enjoy a celebratory glass of champagne.
More important, the city – which is under no obligation to adopt these recommendations – would take the rare step of treating its citizens like free and accountable adults instead of children.
Why the change? The only way change can happen: The public demands it.
Now, relaxing alcohol laws will always elicit moral scolding from hypervirtuous Nellys who will caution us about rampant boozing and crime.
Who among us isn’t nervous about the depravity that accompanies a glass of cabernet sauvignon?
This overreaction predictably emanates from those who’ve been hoodwinked into believing that alcoholic products, not irresponsible drunks, are the cause of lawlessness.
Yet even these crusaders should think twice about opposing this splendid idea because if their concerns about drinking are true, the parks’ current restrictions are as irrelevant as alcohol-free beer.
Here are three reasons why:
First, responsible adults follow the law. Irresponsible adults don’t. Hence, only responsible adults are barred from enjoying a glass of wine at a picnic with friends, or from drinking a bottle of beer while attending a public jazz or classical- music concert.
Worse, if responsible adults choose to drink in a park now, they are forced to consume watered-down 3.2-percent beer while a superior 4.7-percent Dos Equis sits at home unused.
Truly sinful.
Understand, merely because citizens ignore the law isn’t in itself a sufficient reason to alter the law. However, occasionally, reasonable citizens see the absurdity of certain restrictions and band together to wage a cheerful insurrection.
I witnessed this mini-revolt in action at a recent outdoor neighborhood screening of the melodrama “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.”
Margaritas flowed freely among the middle-aged picnickers seated next to me, as their children sat engrossed by this tale of a candy tycoon and his Oompa-Loompa slave-labor workforce.
But I, law-abiding dunce that I am, subjected myself to their gruesome rendition of “Pure Imagination” without a cocktail – and it was tantamount to torture.
That brings us to the second reason current alcohol restrictions are irrelevant: Public drunkenness is already illegal in Denver. Why not enforce it?
We could start by rounding up the dozens of drunken zombies who lie in gutters within a mile radius of the 16th Street Mall.
And the final irrelevancy of current restrictions: Beer – the 3.2-percent variety – may already be consumed in Denver parks “at a distance of at least 50ft from all public roadways, parking lots, playgrounds, recreation centers, and swimming pools.”
Guzzling a 3.2-percent beer – or “Sunday beer” – certainly doesn’t mean you can’t get drunk; it just means you’ll have to work a lot harder at doing it.
Still, I understand that some never will embrace beer or spirits in public parks.
For one, they point to “the children.” (Children? Isn’t that the reason we started drinking in the first place?)
For those with moral objections, you need not listen to me. Listen to Benjamin Franklin, who said that “beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
And please don’t misconstrue this column. It’s not a promotion of reckless drinking. In fact, this column is a desperate plea for responsible drinking – and by responsible, I mean avoiding 3.2-percent beer at all costs.
David Harsanyi’s column appears Monday and Thursday. Reach him at 303-820-1255 or dharsanyi@denverpost.com.
