Q: Dear Scott,
I thought it would be helpful to get your perspective as a member of a
younger generation.
Our daughter is mid-twenties, has been living with her guy for about a year,
and recently had her first baby with him. We have “loaned” this young
couple thousands of dollars with no hint that they are
thinking of repaying us.
The problem is that now she is dropping not-so-subtle hints about the lovely
wedding she would like to plan for about this time next year. I am getting
links sent to me about some of the costliest facilities in the state, and
honeymoons to Fiji have been mentioned.
This young woman is our only daughter and we are pleased that she has found
a nice guy and has formed a nice little family, but the problem is all the
wedding talk.
Couples in my day in their situation just went to the JP and
made it official — but her attitude is that she wants her wedding day to be a
wonderful, memorable occasion. My husband and I were married in very modest
fashion with a little reception in our backyard and a camping trip for our
honeymoon.
I guess I also kind of blanch at the self-serving excesses of
the wedding industry, and it seems to me that a young family has many more
significant ways to spend that amount of money.
So, seeing that our daughter seems to have very different ideas on this
subject than we do, how would you handle it?
– Not seeing eye-to-eye
SCOTT: Well, I’m 40, but thanks a bunch for grouping me together with your
“mid-twenties” daughter.
Ah. I recall those 20s like they were yesterday.
The big wedding day is overrated, thanks to the entire bridal industry. It’s true — in a
lot of ways, it’s a waste of time money and effort.
Do you need a huge, costly ceremony just to prove you’re committed to each other? Far too
often people actually go into debt for that one precious day and many times
it’s just to show people how much they can spend. How impressive is that?
Whatever happened to the simple tradition of getting married? It’s all been
blown out of proportion.
If you don’t have the money, what’s wrong with a
modest ceremony followed by a small traditional honeymoon? Nothing.
Here’s the thing: it’s always easier to spend money when it’s someone else’s,
but you’re that someone else, and you’ve got more control in this than you
realize.
Why should you have to dish out the bucks just because your
daughter’s trying to keep up with everyone else? It’s not right.
Next time
she sends an e-mail with a link to a costly facility, respond with, “Very
nice, honey but how are you going to afford all of this?”
This will open the
line of communication and then you can explain that while you’d love to help
her out financially with some things, she’s going to have to cover the rest
if she wants a lavish wedding.
She’ll get the point and gradually make her
way back down to Earth.