Q:Dear Scott,
My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for about two years.
It seems like all of my friends and co-workers are pregnant or just had a
baby. I have been very careful about sharing my struggle, but I can’t even
get in the elevator without an acquaintance or co-worker asking when we are
going to have kids.
We have been married 10 years and are at an age where it’s everyone’s first question. I know they are just trying to be nice and don’t realize how difficult it is for me to respond to that question.
Last month, a very close girl friend, with whom I have shared my emotional struggle,
told me she was pregnant, and I am in the midst of planning a baby shower
for my administrative assistant.
On Thursday, I go in for surgery, which may correct our fertility problem, but there are no guarantees. How can I cope
with the environment I am in? There are days I feel like crying at work
when I see yet another pregnant co-worker share her news or my AA’s
ultrasound pictures.
My boss is supportive (having struggled with infertility herself), but I feel like I have no one to lean on. My husband
is wonderful and very supportive, but I feel like a broken record being emotional about the same thing every single month. I am not sure how you can help, but I wanted to share my experience.
Please remind you readers that couples in their late-20s-early 30s may not be childless by choice, and well-intentioned questions may be painful.
– Wants to be a mom, Aurora, CO
SCOTT: I can’t imagine how irritating it must be when people pry with the “When are you going to have a baby” question, and your situation is a great reason why.
Some people don’t want to have kids and some are trying, but having difficulties as you are, yet not only do they ask anyway but then, once you do have a baby, they start inquiring about a “little brother or sister.”
It’s ridiculous. Thanks for brining it up, because someone needed to say this.
Really, “When are you going to have a baby” must be the most intrusive question ever, next to “when’s the baby due” when the poor woman isn’t even pregnant. As a rule, it’s better not to ask at all then to take a chance and end up with your foot in your mouth.
You’ve got a good support system to get you through this rough time, but try to be extra communicative with those closest to you. Talking about it will help you feel less alone and may even bring you closer.
If you’re still having trouble coping, seek professional guidance. Sometimes it helps to
talk to someone not directly involved. Well-meaning family and friends are
great, but they don’t even realize they’re being insensitive; it doesn’t even
dawn on them.
Keep your head up and try to stay as positive as you can, and best of luck
with the surgery. We’ll all pray that it’s a success!