Alantis. Chloe. Mykayla. Faith. Anastasia. Mannaser. Elizabeth.
Chelsea. Solomon. Rachel. Raquel.
Those are the names of my nieces and nephews, and they are pretty much ordinary names that will suit them well in life.
Yet for the life of me, I don’t get these folks who choose to go off the farm with the naming of their children. What is especially galling is to be at an elementary school graduation and you think you’re at a car lot or the club. Lexus. Alize. Armani. Porsche.
Chardonnay. El Dorado. Aquanetta. Bacardi.
Come on, folks! I know the naming of a child is a personal thing, but do you think branding your child with the name of the place where they were conceived – or what you were drinking when you got knocked up – makes any sense at all? We discussed this issue a couple of months ago on NPR’s “News and Notes” with Ed Gordon, and I was sure my butt was going to get tossed when I stated that anyone naming their child any of these names should be slapped right there in the hospital. To all the docs and nurses delivering babies, the moment a crazy momma or daddy yells out, “Welcome to the world, Camry!” just reach back and knock some sense into them.
No, it’s not cute. It’s not funny. It’s downright dumb.
To send your child to school just so they can be teased because of their names is crazy. Think about it for a second: You spend thousands of dollars on a college education, and when your son or daughter goes out on a job interview, Armani Davis walks through the door with a JC Penney suit and a pair of Payless Shoes on. You aren’t even holding up your name! And the fool who chose Alize, give me a break. It’s a damn drink.
And you think it sounds refreshing? Of course, if you choose to do something so asinine, how about stepping it up a notch? If you want your child to feel good, name ’em Mansion or Aston Martin or Rolls Royce. Give them something to shoot for, rather the low down El Dorado.
But all kidding aside, names do make a difference.
In May, the University of Florida said that blacks with exotic names have a tougher time in school.
According to the study, a child named Da’Quan or Damarcus scored lower on their math and reading tests. Who fared better? Students with Asian names, who were perceived as smarter.
David Figlio, an economist at the school who did the research, said teachers pay more attention to students who have “normal” names.
“When you see a particular name, like David or Catherine, you internalize it in a different way than a name such as LaQuisha,” Figlio told The Associated Press.
Now, I think it’s crazy that a teacher would do such a thing, but we must accept the reality that it happens and we must deal with it.
But Figlio also notes that in other countries, the naming of a child is considered a big deal.
Whenever I read the Bible, I’m always amazed at the thought put into naming a child. What a child is named was often considered a telling sign as to what they would do and where they would go in life.
We don’t have to go to the extreme of finding a meaning in the naming of every child. Yet we must consider how that child will be viewed years later, after the cuteness has worn off and he or she is a 40-year-old adult with the name of a car.
So, please, keep buying those baby naming books and wracking your brain over what to name your boy or girl. But if you even think about naming your child after your dream ride, shoot me an e-mail. I’ll be on the first plane out with two hands ready to smack ya.
Syndicated columnist Roland S. Martin (www.rolandsmartin.com) is author of “Speak, Brother! A Black Man’s View of America.”
