Q: Hi, Scott!
Remember me … the 42-year-old sensitive guy whose 33-year-old
fiercely-independent girlfriend dumped him after she transferred 700 miles
away to Denver, leaving me with the house we bought together?
The guy who’s
been trying ever since to get her to honestly work through our issues? The
guy who’s also acted smothering, impatient, and at times desperate?
Ahh, so
you DO remember me (ha ha)!
I thought I’d check in and let you know what’s
up these days. Let me first apologize for the wordy post … I do tend to
lay it all out.
As I said in a prior post, a few months after my ex moved and dumped me, I
had a brief, unpleasant “fling” with an old friend. Within a span of a
couple days this past May, a) I ended the “fling,” b) my ex announced she
was moving back, and c) she asked both a co-worker of mine and me if I was
dating anyone.
Hmmm, why did she want to know that?
I was honest with her
and told her everything. Once again, I invited her to talk through things so
we can forgive the hurt and rebuild trust. She said she had forgiven me, but
wasn’t ready for or interested in anything right now.
Now she’s back … in town, that is. And whereas prior to her move back she
was communicative, friendly, and slowly becoming less guarded, now she’s
intentionally avoiding me, harboring her grudges, telling me she’ll never
trust me again, etc. Pretty hurtful stuff.
Three times since she’s been back, she’s deliberately flirted with and
propositioned guys right in front of me. PDAs have never been her style
(even with me), yet there she’s been, pawing on guys … even an ex-roommate
of mine.
I think it’s pretty obvious she’s still angry about the past and
hasn’t forgiven me. It’s clear that while she said she appreciated my
honesty, she’s pissed off about the “fling” and is looking for one of her
own, maybe as pay-backs. And, it’s clear she enjoys pushing my jealousy hot
buttons by fawning over guys in front of me.
Two weeks ago, I crashed on my bicycle and severely injured a shoulder. A
stranger stopped to assist, and before he called for help, I asked him to
call my ex and let her know what happened. I guess I was hoping for some
concern and maybe nudge her my way … to no avail, apparently.
Late the
next day, after she hadn’t bothered to check on me, I called her. I don’t
know what hurt more … my injured shoulder or her cold shoulder. Oxycontin
doesn’t work for both, let me tell you.
After some testy venting, we both agreed to a “cooling off” period, during
which I vowed not to initiate any contact with her, and I asked her to stop
flirting in front of me. We agreed to get together in October to start a
dialogue towards truly healing the hurt and rebuilding a friendship.
That’s
what I miss most. The intimacy was wonderful, but her friendship means so
much more.
I told her that I believe there is still love between us, but
it’s buried by hurt and conflict. I suggested we both take the time to jot
down on separate pieces of paper each way or instance we felt hurt and all
the ways we might have caused hurt.
Then, as we talk about these things, I
want us to burn each piece of paper as a gesture of forgiveness. She agreed
to do this.
I also suggested that, in the mean time, maybe we could make a
list of all the things we like about each other or think are worthy of
saving our friendship … then keep these lists in our billfolds as a
reminder of what’s at stake. She said she’d do this, too, but wouldn’t share
them with me.
What do you think of all this? Am I a fool for wanting to heal a friendship
with her and see where that takes us? Am I crazy for still loving her and
being devoted to her?
Should I take friends’ advice and move on and forget
about her, even though I believe in me, her, and us?
Thoughts on all of this?
– Confused & Committed
SCOTT: Of course I remember you. How could I forget? At this point, we’re like
brothers.
OK bro, when you crashed your bike, you shouldn’t have contacted her; you
should’ve let her contact you if she was concerned. But apparently she
wasn’t – at least not enough to check-up on you.
It’s all about expectations: You expect her to be one way and she
continually gives you something else. But it’s never what you want from her.
Not only do you need cooling off, you need to let her go for good. Why would
you want to keep tormenting yourself with being around her flirting with
every guy in sight except you?
If it wasn’t meant to be, then let it go and
trust that someone better for you will come along. She broke your heart and
if you keep going back to her, she’ll see you as nothing more than a
defeated hurt puppy. That’s not good!
Resist the urge to keep pursuing this, and stop contacting her completely.
It’s the only way you’ll keep your head towards the future rather than
constantly looking back at the past.