Q: I have a 3 1/2 year-old daughter, an only child, who won’t let my husband and me have a conversation. When we talk, she makes noise – singing or talking to her dolls at the top of her lungs. We always ask her first about her day before we share our day with her, but if my husband and I want to elaborate further on a subject, we can’t hear each other. We’ve been teaching her manners, but she uses them only in company.
– N.
A: At this age your daughter responds to impulse more than reason. She is unlikely to be able to control her actions for a few more years. However, make it clear when it is not her turn to talk.
Try using a small flag which can be held up by the person whose turn it is to talk. Unless she has the flag, she has to wait her turn. If she interrupts, tell her you will go outside or into another room so you can finish your conversation.
Invite her playmates over frequently. This social experience helps teach the rules about waiting for others. Make sure you invite your friends over as well. You want her to understand that you get to have fun too, and want to discourage her from thinking she is entitled to your attention any time she chooses. Through group situations, patient training and maturity kids gradually learn to consider the needs of others.
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Q: I have a 13-year-old stepdaughter who is mildly retarded. She is sweet and loving, and I have grown to feel great affection for her. She stays with us alternate weekends. The problem is my 15-year-old daughter from my prior marriage. My stepdaughter adores her, but my daughter wants nothing to do with her. My stepdaughter wants to follow her around everywhere. My daughter finds her an embarrassment when she has friends over. Lately my daughter has arranged to spend the weekend at her friend’s when her stepsister is here, and has told me that she plans to do so whenever possible. My stepdaughter is starting to realize what is going on and is hurt. If my daughter would give her a little time and attention and positive feedback, it would mean the world to her. My daughter says that her stepsister is not her responsibility.
– C.N.
A: Plan special events for your stepdaughter on her weekend visits that do not involve your daughter. Take her shopping or to musical programs or theater events. Invite your stepdaughter’s friends to visit and join in on these outings. This plan enables your stepdaughter to depend on her friends and you and her father rather than on your daughter for social fun.
Your daughter shows a lack of compassion. Perhaps if she didn’t feel such a burden to supply her stepsister with a social life she would be more kind. Ask your daughter to show specific considerations to her stepsister, and reward her for following through.
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