Q: Dear Scott,
I am 35-years-old, never married, very attractive, in very good shape, I am
well-educated and I am currently building a successful business on my own.
When it comes to dating, I am kind (but not a pushover), polite, and a
gentlemen when it comes to treating women with respect. I am a “work in
progress,” in that I have personal challenges to work on just like everyone
else, but I swear it is impossible for me to find a good, kind, attractive
woman to settle down with.
I seem to find a lot of women who lie, drink too
much, work too much, don’t return phone calls, etc. Needless to say, when I
end up finding out about these things, one of us heads for the door very
early on.
I have tried everything from online dating (which I will never
use again, way too many bad experiences), speed dating, bars, coffee shops,
the gym, and seem to have little problem getting dates, but it often turns
out later these women have problems, or simply don’t want me.
I find this
all very confusing, since I am confident I am behaving “normally” (e.g. not
calling or e-mailing excessively, not being needy or desperate, drinking too
much or doing drugs, etc.), and I appear to have a lot going for me. I am
available, but have my own life, and always return phone calls when I say I
will.
If I knew what the problem was, I’d fix it, but it appears a lot of
the women I meet are attracted to men who treat them poorly (based on their
relationship history) and reject me when I am ready to treat them well
(without me being overbearing).
I know some of this problem may be
attributed to “re-creating” issues from my past, but I thought I worked
through that already.
I am beginning to think my situation is hopeless, and I am not not
exaggerating. I am ready to give up, since it seems like every time I try,
I fail.
I should also mention that I have done my share of rejecting
women as well, but I don’t think I am rejecting women simply because they
would be good to me or stable, but rather they wouldn’t make a good fit
(don’t want kids, no chemistry, don’t want to get married, workaholics,
etc.).
Any suggestions as to what I may be doing wrong, although I really don’t
feel like I am doing anything “wrong”? Or where I can meet a pretty, smart,
kind woman who would like to settle down with someone who would make a good
husband/father?
I hear about women complaining all the time how they can’t
find a good man, but from my experience, it doesn’t appear that a lot of
women want that at all. I am not without my flaws, but feel I have a
heightened sense of “self awareness” and would be willing to work on
whatever it takes to find and help create a good relationship, while working
on myself.
Right now I am finding dating to be impossible! HELP!
SCOTT: I always say it’s OK to be desperate, just as long as you don’t act
desperate.
While it may seem this way to you, not ALL women are
attracted to men who treat them badly. In fact, many women out there want
the same things you do; you just haven’t met them yet.
You seem to me like a
man with integrity and I honestly don’t think you’re doing anything wrong.
Just know it takes longer for some of us to connect and find “the one.”
Dating is like exercise. It’s a painful boring drag but you have to do it
anyway if you want gains.
Oh, one tip: don’t bring up the settling down and
having children right away when you first meet a woman. You don’t want to
get too heavy too soon and scare her off by trying too hard.
Hang in there and keep trying (but not too hard) and you’ll find “the one”
for you.