Dear Amy: Last night my live-in boyfriend told me that he was going to go out with his friends for a motorcycle ride. Fine. He said he would be back early and that we would spend time together because I am working three double-shifts this weekend and won’t get to see him. He left at eight. He didn’t return until 12:30 a.m. I was crazy with worry by this time.
He starts by asking me why I am not asleep. I tell him I don’t know. He goes on to tell me that it was game night at this bar they went to. He goes on to tell me about the pizza and the beers he had. I could smell the beer on him.
When we moved in together, he promised me that he wouldn’t drink and drive on his motorcycle. He has also been on a diet to lose some weight he put on since he moved in. I have carefully made him low-fat and carefully balanced meals, only to have him go out late on a work night and have pizza and beers.
This morning he didn’t even kiss me goodbye. He knows I am mad, but I don’t believe I should have to explain to him why. It is obvious.
What should I do? I have made it well known to him how I feel about the beer and the motorcycle. Should I continue to complain about it, or should I just let it drop? I am about to lose my mind.
– Kim
Dear Kim: It is thoughtful and generous of you to set up a healthy-living program for your boyfriend, but it’s clear that he’s not having any of it. He sounds determined to live his own life, and if he has to disappoint you by getting fat and cracking up his motorcycle to prove that point, then he sounds dumb enough to do it.
You need to drop your program and let him do what he’s going to do.
Then, based on his behavior and how it makes you feel, you should decide whether you are going to stay in this relationship.
You aren’t your boyfriend’s mommy or his parole officer. You are supposed to be his partner. If he can’t be a partner to you, there isn’t much left.
You sound like a hardworking and well-meaning person. You deserve to be with someone who respects himself and others more than to place everyone on the road at risk. Look at your guy and say, “Honey, I love you. But you’re making me nuts. You make terrible choices, and I’m sick of it. I’m losing respect for you.” It’s time for you to stop getting angry and start thinking clearly about your own future.
It could be time to move on and move out.
…
Dear Amy: I’m friendly with a woman at my gym who attends the same aerobics class I do.
I enjoy seeing her, but she’s a real talker and will frequently engage me in a half-hour (or longer) conversation after class.
I don’t mind this every once in a while, but usually I just want to go home and shower! Recently, I’ve started working from home, so I’ve lost my usual, “Gotta get to work” excuse (even though it’s still very true).
What’s a polite way to let her know that I can’t continue having these lengthy conversations?
– Sweatball
Dear Sweatball: Place one sweaty hand on her arm and say, “Cynthia, I know I’m always racing off, but I’m so pressed for time after class. I just have to go.” Then make your way to the door.
Working from home is as much a commitment as working from an office. You (and others) are going to have to realize that.
If you like her well enough to risk getting to know her better, perhaps you can propose meeting for coffee and conversation during a non-sweaty time. Beware, however – if a friendship doesn’t develop, you may have to change your exercise schedule.
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