Q: Hi Scott,
I am a big fan of your column and have e-mailed previously on relationship
issues, and now I am seeking your advice regarding the most important
relationship of all, family.
My older sister, who is also a single mother, and her son had a falling out
a few months ago. My nephew is 18 and at the time had not yet graduated
from high school. He proceeded to move out as a reaction to the problem(s).
He is your typical teenager, knows everything, disrespectful, especially towards
his mother, etc. He moved in with my other older sister, and it has created
a great deal of tension between some family members.
His mother feels her parenting is now under the microscope of family when in all
honesty, anyone involved just cares about her, my nephew and the entire
situation.
I have somehow been caught in the middle because if I have a
conversation with the sister he is living with, I am considered to be supporting her and not my other sister. Understandably, my
sister the single parent is highly emotional and feels she has lost her son.
I have tried to reach out to her in many ways, but she rejects any support
now because she feels I have betrayed her. I haven’t, and have attempted to
reassure her of this, but with no success.
Do you have any suggestions on
approaching her and supporting her in this very painful and hyper-sensitive
time in her life?
– Feeling the Pain
SCOTT: I love big fans of my column. Thanks for the nice compliment.
It’s important for you to remain diplomatic between your sisters. Tell both of
them what you told me: you feel caught in the middle but everyone’s primary
concern is the welfare of your nephew.
If you can’t communicate verbally with her, send her a letter, or even an e-mail, and explain how important your
relationship with her is to you, and how badly you want to help and stay
connected to her.
She’s going through a lot and probably feels betrayed by
everyone right now, but those feelings are misguided. She’ll come around
eventually.
Send her the e-mail, and then back off for a while and let her
come to you. She will.
She knows that you’re there for her now, and when the
time is right for her, you’ll be there for her then.