Portraying an NFL quarterback, Bradlee Van Pelt makes for one bad actor.
The punky QB will never cause Broncos fans to forget John Elway.
But Van Pelt might be the next Johnny Knoxville.
Knoxville, for movie lovers unable to pry their drooling eyes off Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Dukes, is the unlikely Hollywood star who got discovered staging stupid human tricks on MTV’s hit show “Jackass.”
Which might be a role that fits our local bad-boy quarterback to a BVP.
Van Pelt, whose one undeniable talent is getting his name in the newspaper, showed up a dramatic football game between Colorado and Colorado State merely by showing up.
Making a scene is what BVP does best.
Grabbing a seat on the bench for a one-game suspension by the Broncos is what Van Pelt should do next.
Flashing a profane, hand-scrawled message on a bright T-shirt evident to everyone in Folsom Field with eyes, Van Pelt made a fool of himself Saturday in support of his alma mater.
The foul word printed on BVP’s shirt cannot be reprinted in a family newspaper, although it’s frequently heard in rap lyrics as the insulting noun of choice by Generation X.
So you’ll have to use your imagination.
But I’m guessing Van Pelt wanted to proclaim he was CSU’s dawg.
Or something like that.
As way of greeting the Buffaloes, Van Pelt also gave the crowd a middle-finger salute.
Many CU fans, parents of children and believers in civility were not amused by Van Pelt making a spectacle of himself.
BVP was called into Broncos coach Mike Shanahan’s office. Got slapped on the wrist. And apologized for acting like a “classless” kid.
Van Pelt, who often refers to himself as a kid, wants to be a big star when he grows up.
Trouble is: At age 25, BVP is too old to be ordering off the children’s menu.
For him, growing up is so hard to do that we’ll all grow old before Van Pelt can be trusted with a job that requires more political savvy than being Denver’s mayor.
Life is one, long skateboard ride to Van Pelt, constantly grinding on the gnarly edge of the rail.
He talks smack. And mows down linebackers. On guys night out, BVP is the guy you want riding shotgun.
But his actions turn sportsmanship into a joke.
His quarterbacking skills have graduated to the pro level, but his maturity is stuck in the lunch line at middle school.
At Colorado State, we watched Van Pelt celebrate a winning touchdown by slamming the football in the face of a CU defender. Another time, he called out CSU coaches for a bad play call in a failed upset bid. Twice, during a disappointing senior year, BVP tried sneaking from the locker room to the team bus before the TV cameras could catch him.
Does this kid never learn?
When star receiver Randy Moss feigned mooning an NFL stadium, he was hooted for being a disgrace to the sport.
When former Broncos tight end Shannon Sharpe picked up a sideline telephone and called the National Guard, he was dissed for being disrespectful to a beaten foe.
The lynch mob was too blind with anger to see the antics of Moss and Sharpe were inherently funny sendups of football’s pseudo-war seriousness.
By contrast, Van Pelt’s act in Boulder was just plain dumb. And dumber. If there’s anything less hilarious than loud, it’s profane.
I genuinely like Van Pelt for the sense of adventure he can infuse in the mundane.
But he’s the last thrillbilly any mother of the bride wants to see hanging around the punch bowl at the wedding.
And Van Pelt is also the last quarterback the Broncos should trust as insurance against injury to starter Jake Plummer.
Would Shanahan give an irresponsible kid the keys to a Ferrari?
For the sake of his team and as a lesson to Van Pelt, the Broncos should immediately sign a veteran signal-caller and ground the punky QB with a week’s suspension.
Punish Van Pelt in a way a kid can understand. Take away his allowance, his cellphone and his Xbox.
Sometimes, even a 6-foot-2, 220-pound kid does not deserve to be treated like a man.
Will somebody please tell BVP his 15 minutes of perpetual adolescence are up?
Staff writer Mark Kiszla can be reached at 303-820-5438 or mkiszla@denverpost.com.
