Miami – There are elementary-school kids in Colorado who cannot spell Mastermind, much less tell you why Broncos coach Mike Shanahan was ever called one.
All the awesome that once defined Denver’s offense was officially replaced Sunday by awful.
Let us count the ways: Miami 34, Broncos 10.
As a matter of historic reference, when was the last time anybody has seen the Broncos look so pathetic in possession of the football?
“About 30 minutes ago,” deadpanned Broncos veteran Rod Smith after this humiliating, season-opening loss. Sweat streamed down the 35-year-old’s face as profusely as discouragement oozed from his pores.
Across the Denver locker room, rank with anger, quarterback Jake Plummer snapped at a television cameraman for watching while he dressed. His message was clear: Don’t stand so close to him. In the NFL, it’s never too early to get paranoid.
But who could blame Plummer for his pique? After being stripped naked by the Dolphins’ defense and left to cook in the unrelenting Florida sun all afternoon, he was justifiably hot. And bothered.
Plummer said the team was ticked off.
You would be ticked, too, after being thoroughly outplayed by Broncos castoff Gus Frerotte, who threw two touchdown passes for the Dolphins.
Anybody who knows anything about football must ask: Since taking over as Denver coach in 1995, has Shanahan ever fielded a team whose offense was an object of pity? Not to get too technical, but the Broncos stunk when they ran, stunk when they passed, stunk in the red zone, stunk from the first step off the bus to the final stinking play of the game.
“The bottom line is: You either get it done, or you don’t get it done,” Shanahan said. “We didn’t get it done.”
Once feared as a great NFL innovator, Shanahan’s genius has been reduced to a cheap trick. How few playmakers can be found on the roster? After a rib injury sent starting tailback Mike Anderson grimacing to the bench on Denver’s second offensive possession, it was painful to watch.
During the first half, with Denver scoreless and desperate, Shanahan ordered a goal- line package featuring thick-fingered grunts Cornell Green, Gerard Warren and Dwayne Carswell as eligible pass receivers. Green weighs 315 pounds, Carswell 290 and Warren 325. Our Broncos have been turned into Clydesdales. Although the “X” and “O” magic of Shanahan earned Green single coverage, the pass from Plummer somehow fell incomplete.
Who knew we would miss Jerry Rice so quickly? The recently retired legend and failed Broncos experiment sat on a CBS studio set as a Sunday guest, wedged tightly between analysts Dan Marino and Shannon Sharpe with barely room to breathe. But Rice got more separation than Denver’s active receivers did against the Dolphins’ secondary.
Once the stuff of nightmares, Denver’s so-called attack nearly put Miami’s defense to sleep, with linebacker Zach Thomas admitting his team did not even bother to use most of its schemes, because the basic stuff was more than the Broncos could handle.
In the end, the Dolphins, who won only four of 16 games a year ago, made a joke at the Broncos’ expense. On their final snap of the fourth quarter, standing 6 lousy yards from the end zone, Plummer faded back to pass, looking to score as a matter of pride.
The football, however, was stripped from his hands by Miami defensive end Jason Taylor, who gathered the fumble and sputtered and weaved 85 yards down the field. At last, the Broncos had scored a memorable touchdown in the red zone. For the wrong team.
“I was out of gas,” said Taylor, laughing. “Gas is pretty expensive now, as we all know.”
But how funny can ineptitude be to the Broncos?
“Trust me, you all really don’t want to know,” Smith said. “You want to know, but I am not going to tell you. I am going to keep it real PG-13.”
Watching marquee stars such as John Elway and Terrell Davis was classic. Now, the offense directed by Shanahan plays like a B movie.
The nicest thing that can be said by way of review? There’s nothing really offensive about Denver. Nothing at all.
Staff writer Mark Kiszla can be reached at 303-820-5438 or mkiszla@denverpost.com.
