Q: Hi Scott … me again … Confused & Committed.
Just when I think I’ve got things “figured out” in terms of how to be cool, patient, and give my ex-girlfriend the space she needs to think and assess possibilities of reconciling, something happens that sends us on another rollercoaster ride.
Here’s the latest:
Last week she told me she had a bunch of medical tests done and there was a chance she has ovarian cancer. A few days ago she said the tests showed she had a cyst and the doctors are playing five weeks of wait and see.
I know she’s scared and I wish I could just hold her close. When she told me about all of this, I pulled a note out of my wallet and gave it to her.
The note was a list of all the things I missed and loved about her. Tender things. Romantic things. Goofy things.
Later that night she sent me a text message saying how sweet the list was and how she was “digesting it.”
I ran into her the next day and I invited her out for dinner. She declined. As our conversation continued, I learned that she has been sleeping with another guy. I asked who he was and all she would say was that he’s “an old friend” and that she “doesn’t know where it’s going or how she feels about it.”
I’m pretty convinced the guy happens to be my ex-roommate, who is an old friend of ours. She reiterated her need for space and said if she doesn’t get her space, “there’s no way in hell we’ll ever be together again.”
Talk about mixed messages!!!! I asked her if she believed that I’m sincere and that I love her and she said she did believe me. But…
Anyway, I ran into her again last night and there was no tension. My ex-roommate also showed up, and when the opportunity arose, I asked him if he was involved with her.
He said no, but that she had approached him for sex a couple times. He claimed to have told her no, but I don’t believe it.
When he was living with me, he and I had many long conversations about me and her … he knows how much I love her. And last night, I reiterated my love for her and asked him to “please not go there with her. You don’t owe me anything, but please don’t go there.”
As I said, the rollercoaster continues … I felt so scared for her and the prospect of cancer. I wanted to reach out to her and love her.
Then I find out she’s seeking comfort in the arms of someone else, seemingly just for the sex. I don’t blame her at all for wanting intimacy and sex, especially given what she’s going through … I just wish she’d let down her wall and let me love her.
So, I guess my question is, how do I remain “cool” and patient, let her sow her superficial oats, yet show her I care and am still here for her if and when she’s ready?
God, sometimes I feel so naïve … like a pimply-faced pubescent boy with a crush on the cheerleader.
Sigh.
Signed,
– Confused, Committed, Yet Now Demoralized
SCOTT: Sigh. You’ve already done all you can do to show her you love care about and want to be with her, so now let it — and her — go.
Don’t demoralize yourself any longer; all that does is make you look weak, and she already knows that you are. There’s only one thing less attractive than a weak man and that’s a man that talks baby talk. Please tell me you don’t do that!
Also, it’s starting to sound like she’s playing games with you, working you for attention when she wants it and then rejecting you when you show renewed (actually constant) interest in her.
Is that what you want? No. If a long-term relationship is meant to be with her, then let her come to you when and if she’s ever ready for that.
If not, then be prepared for moving on solo style.