Dear Amy: I am the father of a 14-year-old girl. I met her 2 1/2 years ago (long story) and she lives with me most of the time.
We have an awesome relationship, but I am a protective dad and will not allow her to date or go to malls unescorted.
My daughter dresses as other kids her age do – not too provocatively, although I think her shirts are a bit high and her jeans a bit low.
Her mother bought her thong underwear, which I told her I definitely did not approve of in the eighth grade.
Please clear something up for me: Her mother says that thongs are OK because they do not show panty lines. I told my daughter to get that stuff out of my house because I do not approve, but now they have mysteriously reappeared.
Do you think thong underwear is appropriate for that age? My girl is a good kid and gets good grades.
Is this something I should let slide? I am disappointed that she brought them back into the house without telling me.
– Concerned Dad in Virginia
Dear Concerned Dad: I applaud your commitment to your daughter and your desire to do the right thing. Your open-mindedness on this question puts you way ahead of the game.
You should tell her you respect her privacy but are disappointed she chose to do something she knows you don’t like.
Ask her what she likes about thongs. Perhaps she thinks they’re cool because she sees movie and music stars wearing them. Ask her, “But aren’t they uncomfortable?” and listen to what she says. Then tell her that she is a growing young woman and you will trust her to make her own choices about her underwear, even though you’re not crazy about this particular choice. In other words, back off, but don’t necessarily let her know that you are.
Fact is, your daughter could carry a thong in her backpack and change into it later. You don’t want to create such a problem about this that she becomes sneaky. It’s also time for the two of you to talk about what boundaries you will set for this school year. You should think about granting her a little more freedom – not less – so that she can learn to make good choices under your guidance.
You might benefit from getting involved with an organization called Dads and Daughters (dadsanddaughters.org). You could communicate with other dads who, like you, seek to influence their daughters in a positive way.
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Dear Amy: A co-worker is getting married soon, so some women from work have been planning parties.
Last week these women planned a night out for the bride. They talked about it at work for weeks but invited only certain people.
When it was time for the shower, though, do you think they invited only the ones who got asked to the night out? They invited everyone.
I notice that when it comes to gifts and money, people are rude! If they didn’t invite everyone to the night out, shouldn’t they keep their mouths shut about it at work?
– Showered Out
Dear Showered: Didn’t you go to high school? The workplace is just high school writ large, accompanied by withholding taxes.
People are permitted to have special friends at work. I know that it annoys you that you’re not necessarily a “girls night out on the town” sort of friend to your colleague, but what would you propose – that people not make plans with their buds to go out? Your colleagues blundered only in being so public about their plans.
Workplace showers drive me crazy. They should never be held at the office. But if people are going to host one, they must invite all relevant colleagues. You can decide whether you will attend this shower. Perhaps your work on the Peterson account will keep you away from the festivities that day.
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