Q: Hi Scott,
I have a question for you. I have been in a relationship with someone for about two years now. We have lived together for just over one year.
We are very serious, and have talked about marriage and kids (I already have one, who is basically adopted by him) and we will probably be buying a house together within the next year.
We have a significant age difference of 16 years. This has never been a problem except in a couple of respects. You see, him being 40 years old, never married, he has acquired a great deal of memorabilia from past relationships. But I can’t get past all of this baggage!
He claims by asking him to tone it down a little I am asking him to “erase his past,” but to me that means he is equating is entire past to a string of failed relationships. I am not asking him to throw away all of the pictures he has, by any means. Just the ones exclusively of women (some in “compromising” positions) and his little love notes he has been carrying around for 40 years, and MOVE ON.
Am I in the wrong here? I am beginning to think that maybe I have lost perspective. But I really think that to move forward, you can not be surrounded by the past.
Besides that, it is simply not comfortable to live in a house where I have to think twice before opening a box I find in a closet, or looking through a photo album. I just don’t know what to think about it anymore!
Thanks for your help.
SCOTT: You’re not asking him to erase his past, you’re asking him not to talk about his past all the time.
It’s super annoying, but, um, not as annoying as finding all those pictures lying around; the ones kept just a little too close to his heart. It’s a good thing he doesn’t have videos too.
Wait – forget I brought that up. Just let me say this: I’m totally on your side. I understand why you have a problem with his hanging onto all of his past memorabilia.
As a rule, a gentleman never talks about past relationships and keeps stupid baggage around. It’s distasteful and disrespectful. Tell him that.
Okay, so time to clean out the attic, cut all the ex-girlfriend cords and move on. Ask him directly, out of respect to you, to let go of the past relationships and focus his energies on his relationship with you for a change.
If he still doesn’t comply, write back and we’ll take things up a notch.