The how-to books lining the bookstore shelves promise to help us become better listeners, better cooks and better spouses. What we really need is a book to tell us how to do the truly important things in life, like how to make toast. Not to mention how to mow the lawn, how to be beautiful and how to sneeze.
Guy Browning to the rescue. Browning, author of a popular humor column that runs in the British newspaper the Guardian has put together a how-to book for the masses. While it won’t transform anyone into a movie star, a Betty Crocker, or a star athlete, it will make a lot of people laugh.
In “Never Hit a Jellyfish With a Spade,” Browning tightly intermingles a slew of one-liners with his keen observations about everyday life. His sly humor and charming writing style make the book addictive.
The book is divided into 12 sections, including “Hedges and Neighbors,” “Idling and Pottering,” “Fashion and Grooming” and “Love and Marriage,” with 10 mini-chapters in each. The book is ideal for reading a few chapters at a time.
In “How to Buy Shoes,” the author displays some of his insight into the male psyche:
“Buying shoes is a man’s way of finding out that he needs new socks. There is a certain breed of man who goes into a shoe shop and comes out shortly afterwards with exactly the same shoes only newer. These men feel betrayed if there has been any kind of design progression since their last pair ten years ago.”
In “How to Be Married,” he offers sage advice: “The bedrock for happiness in a marriage is for the men to follow the simple rule that your wife is right and that you are sorry.”
His take on how to tell jokes:
“Jokes are the chicken nuggets of conversation. You always think you want one, but generally they leave a bad taste in the mouth and bear very little resemblance to chicken. The number of jokes you can remember is in inverse proportion to your natural charm and wit. The man with the joke for every occasion is the man you don’t want to meet on any occasion. Most normal people can only ever remember one joke, and it’s usually something fantastically unfunny like ‘What do ghosts eat? Dreaded Wheat.”‘
Those looking to impress their friends with their sharp intellects can take Browning’s advice on how to be deep:
“One of the quickest ways of appearing deep is to say ‘Or is it?’ after somebody else has said something. Or is it? You can get a similar effect simply by transposing the key elements in any sentence. For example, when someone says, ‘Women are the power in the home,’ you could immediately reply with, ‘Yes, but home is the power in the woman.”‘
The British version of the book, released last year, topped the Amazon UK best-seller list and has sold 55,000 copies since last September.
Eight of the essays that ran in the British version have been replaced with more “American” ones. An essay on how to sit, for example, replaces one on how to ramble. The U.S. book explains how to eat cake, versus how to eat biscuits. We also learn how to fix things, how to take medicine and how to open stiff lids, rather than how to read a Sunday paper, how to “lie in” and how to organize a village fete.
It’s nice to know that people everywhere need a little help with the basics.
Mia Geiger is a freelance writer in the Philadelphia area.
