Q: How can I control my temper with my 2-year-old daughter? I always thought I was great with kids until I actually had one! I believe spanking is wrong, but lately I’ve started doing it and I feel awful. I don’t want this to become a habit. My mother and sister both think I should go ahead and spank. What suggestions do you have?
– S.J.
A: Spanking is not the answer. Resist the influence of others who believe hitting children improves their behavior. Think of yourself as her coach. Stop the unacceptable actions and patiently repeat the rules. Let her know what you want and encourage each small effort she makes.
Learn what to expect at each stage of her development. Two-year-olds are not able to follow rules or control their actions. Toddlers respond to impulse and not to reason.
Not until she is close to 5 will her brain be capable of reminding her which actions are acceptable and which are not.
If you want her to stop an action, take her hands and lead her away from the scene. State the rule. Work toward heading off problems by distracting her with acceptable alternatives.
Let the small issues go. Save your power for big issues. Set a few major rules and take action when she violates one of these. Praise her when she is complying or helping.
…
Q: I have a 9-year-old stepson, Sam, who has been visiting my husband and me on alternate weekends for the six years we have been married. We also have two younger children, a son, 4, and a daughter, 2. When my stepson gets upset with me or doesn’t want to follow a direction, he says, “I don’t have to do what you say. You’re not my mother. You’re just my stepmother.” My husband is supportive of my disciplining his son, but he doesn’t think his son should be punished for these comments. How should I answer my stepson?
– M.A.
A: Smile and say, “Good try, Sam. But it doesn’t work that way. You’re part of our family, and we all have to follow the same rules.” Deliver your response in a casual and friendly way so he understands that you aren’t taking his comments seriously. Don’t defend yourself: That puts him in control of the issue.
There’s no need to punish a youngster for testing his ideas about who is in charge. Don’t take his comments personally. Stepparents have the same right to make rules and respond to violations as the biological parent. Blended families cannot function effectively if the parents do not have equal rights.
Children of divorced parents often feel they do not belong in either family. Make a special effort to insure your stepson feels a part of your family and give him extra doses of love and affection.
Write Cathleen Brown care of The Denver Post, 1560 Broadway, Denver, CO 80202, or e-mail her at CABrown500@yahoo.com.
