Dear Amy: I am a 31-year-old woman and have been dating a 54-year-old man for the last 3 1/2 years.
I have three children and he has always declared that we are all a family.
Two weeks ago, I learned that he was planning to take another woman to his daughter’s wedding in another state. He says his reason is that my children are stressing him and he simply wanted to have fun.
Amy, I have stood by this man’s side through thick and thin. I have been there for him when no one else was. I have picked him up when he has fallen – more than once.
He has since vowed that we would work on our “family” and he wouldn’t contact this woman again. She knows not only of me but also of my children. I want to trust and believe in him because I have made a commitment to him, but I don’t know if I can truly trust him again.
What’s going to happen the next time he is stressed? Am I wasting both my children’s and my time? I don’t think I could handle being hurt this way again.
– Hurting in D.C.
Dear Hurting: The next time your guy is “stressed” he will do exactly the same as he has done before. Why? Because using your children as an excuse to dump on you is an indication of what a weenie he is.
After more than three years with someone, you should know just about everything you need to know in terms of how he will hold up over the long term, and, well, here you are.
Your children deserve the very best from all of the adults in their lives. Now it’s time for you to take more responsibility for yourself and for them, by putting yourself in the driver’s seat of your relationship.
Give him the heave-ho.
And while I’m at it, I can’t help but point out your extreme age difference. He is either too immature or at a different life stage than you. If you want to be in a relationship, find yourself a nice guy who wants to be part of a family, someone whose idea of “fun” includes you and the kids.
…
Dear Amy: I am a 44-year-old man who would like to ask a 38-year-old woman to marry me. Her father has passed away, so do I ask her mother for permission, or her oldest sister, or the oldest sister’s husband? Her brother is not in the picture.
– Virginia Gentleman
Dear Gentleman: This is very sweet, but why on earth would you think of asking her older sister’s husband if you could marry his sister-in-law? I can tell that you are trying very hard to be a proper and respectful Virginia gentleman, but the most important person to ask is your beloved. She is a 38-year-old woman, for goodness’ sake, and should be in charge of her own life.
After you ask her, then the two of you should go to her mother to share your happy news and respectfully ask for her blessing.
If you are devoted to the tradition of asking somebody in your beloved’s family for permission to ask her to marry you, then seek out her mother privately to get her permission.
Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611.
