Q: Hi Scott!!
I have been reading your column for a little over a year now, and let me just say that I love love love love love you. You give the best advice in such a witty and charming way, and I just think you are fantastic.
That being said…HELP! I started dating this guy several months ago despite the fact that there were several red flags from our first conversation.
What I mean by that is that this guy was going through a divorce at the time, and has several children. I’ve been happily single for quite awhile, so I have some very strict rules about the guys I date, and the two biggest ones are don’t date a man who has been divorced for less than a year (much less still going through the divorce), and the other is never date a man with children.
However, there was something about this guy that just got to me, and I ignored all of those things and decided to get to
know him better. Well, I did, and he was the most amazing and wonderful guy that I have ever been with.
I don’t get into relationships usually, especially quickly, but I dove in head first with this guy. And it was perfect…for a little while.
Then he freaked out about little things with me, and basically told me he wasn’t sure we should see each other anymore. I wasn’t happy about this, but I told him to do what he wanted, and that was that. And then he called me about a week later, saying he had made a mistake.
Stupid me, I got hooked right back into it. And then he “wasn’t sure” about us. Again, I left him alone, and he called again about a week later.
Stupid me again, I went right back. Are you starting to see a
pattern?
This went on for a few weeks, and then he and I sat down and had a heart to heart, and he said he was having a really hard time dealing with the divorce, and was thinking about going back to his wife during our whole back and forth game.
Needless to say, I was shocked, as I had been assured by numerous people that he would never get back with his cheating whore of a wife, but I also understood that they had been together for a really long time (high school sweethearts) and had a family together and that is a hard thing to lose.
Anyway, she cheated again a few days before our big talk and he told me that I was the only person he could confide in, and he was really hurt and confused and didn’t know what to do. He also said that he was really upset that he screwed things up with me, and wished that he and I still had a chance.
I told him that he needed to take some time to figure out his life and get over her, and in the meantime, he and I could be
friends, and see where things went from there. The divorce was finalized and he and I were having a great time together…as friends.
Then the phone calls stopped again, and surprise!! I found out (on my birthday, by the way) that he and his wife got back together, which just broke my heart.
I didn’t date this guy for a very long time, but I can’t seem to shake this. I am really unhappy, and it is starting to affect all aspects of my life.
My best friend flat out told me that I am turning into a negative person that nobody wants to be around, and the sad thing is I know he’s right, and that is so not me!! I am usually the happy, outgoing one who is the life of the party but ever since this guy came into my life, I just find myself sitting and sulking all the time.
I know that this guy wasn’t the one for me, and I know that everything will work out eventually, but I am so sad. I cry all the time, and every time I meet someone new all I can think about is how they aren’t him. I don’t know what to do to get out of this slump I’m in, and the thing that bothers me the most is that I loved being single, and I never wanted to get into this relationship in the first place!
Any thoughts on how I can just move past this and get back to the young, single happy life that I loved?
– Sad and Confused
SCOTT: I love you too, so much so that I’m going to help you get past your sadness and confusion.
The first mistake you made was breaking your own rules, first by dating a man who wasn’t even divorced yet and who has “several children.”
Let’s see, that’s two rules so far. The next broken rule was not getting involved in a relationship so quickly, but you did that too. So now we’re at three broken rules.
Then you broke up and got back together I’m not sure exactly how many times but that’s a rule none of us should break, at least not repeatedly. So now we’re at like 60 to 75 broken rules.
The next mistake, of course, was the attempt to transcend to a “friendship.” You shouldn’t have transcended to anything with him. Too much happened in too little time. I’m not here to make you feel bad; I just want you to see
how you got to where you’re at now.
So now start doing the things you did before your life became so disrupted by the wishy-washy guy. I’m sure you still care for him but at this point, that’s a big lost cause.
Now it’s time to hook up with old friends and do everything you loved to do when you were single. You’ll get back in the
swing of things after some time.
Remember, you had those rules for a reason and now it’s time to re-adopt them.