Q: I can’t believe I am actually writing you, but have been reading your column for the past year, and feel like I desperately need some advice/guidance.
I will try to keep this as brief as possible. My boyfriend of one year and I just broke up.
We work for the same company, but in different states. We rushed into the relationship, and after spending only a few random weekends together, I decided to up and leave my job, sell my house, and move to Colorado to live with him.
From the beginning things were rocky for various reasons I don’t think are necessary to address right now. He traveled a lot for work the first few months of my being there so I was often lonely. I had an emotional affair with a guy I worked with for a couple of months, my boyfriend found out, we somehow worked through all the tears, hurt, anger, etc.
I left that job and found another one, but my life never seemed to fall back on track like it was while living in Arizona. I love my now ex-boyfriend, but we never seemed to make things work. We lost the passion (don’t get me wrong the sex was amazing), but our differences just kept pulling us further and further apart.
One night, back in June, we had a discussion about us and it turned into a fight. We both said we weren’t happy and maybe it was time to just call it quits, so I moved back to Arizona, got my dream job back, and started over here.
He and I spoke and said we loved each other too much to live without one another and did the LD thing for a few months.
Last week he was supposed to drive down and bring all of my furniture and belongings I left behind. Two days before he was supposed to be here, he says he can’t afford the gas, it is going to have to wait. I was able to gather the money necessary for the drive at the last minute, but he still refused to make the trip.
This floored me and made me realize that I am not, and haven’t been, his first priority. That knowledge, combined with the fact that for the past couple of months he and I had been discussing the possibility of him moving here. He put his house up for sale, but still hasn’t gotten any prospective buyers, so we faced the possibility of him not being able to move here until late next year unless a great job landed in his lap in Arizona.
One of his friends mentioned that he’d put a good word in for him at a company in San Diego that would offer him GREAT money and my ex said he’d jump at the opportunity if it followed suit. He’s willing to move to San Diego, but not Arizona??? He never even TRIED to see what job options are out here.
OK, I could go on and on for pages, but your readers have a life and I just need to know what your scope of the situation
is. I am heartbroken. Everyone tells me I did the right thing, but now that we are over and I still have to deal with him on a business level, it’s too much!
What is your assessment of this situation and how do I move on minus him?
– Lost & Brokenhearted
Hi again – I just sent the below “story” and just wanted to ensure that if you DO publish it, I KNOW in my heart that my having an emotional affair was wrong and there is never an excuse for it, so please don’t let that be a deterrent in your response. I think the point I was trying to get across was I felt that I was always giving, giving, giving, and he couldn’t meet me halfway. Anyway – I just thought it was important that I say that. Thanks again!
SCOTT: It’s always easier for an outside person looking in to see why things didn’t work in a relationship. You rushed into things way too soon without getting to know each other, moved in together and had an “emotional affair” on him
while he was out of town and during the most crucial trust building stage of a new relationship.
But heck, the sex was great!
Of course it was. That’s always the easy part. Well, not always but most of the time.
I’m sorry, but the “emotional affair” was wrong and how could that not be a “deterrent” in my response to you? It was obviously huge if you two had to work through all the pain it caused. An affair is wrong, plain and simple.
If you want to cheat, you should do the right thing and break up so you can be honest with yourself and not hurt others. You can’t just cheat and be disloyal to the person you supposedly love and expect for there not to be any consequences. You can’t just say “I was confused” or “You were away and I was lonely” or “We were having problems at the time.”
Emotional and physical affairs are both considered – at least by this writer – to be cheating. They’re both wrong and destructive and do not deserve justification.
I could go on until the cows come home and leave again but I hope you get the point without me having to resort to verbally abusing you. Let me know, OK?
Gosh, I don’t want you to think I’m pinning this all on you. This relationship never stood a chance and it still doesn’t.
Try to keep your dealings with him strictly to business since you still have to deal with him on that level. It’s time to learn from the past, dive into your new job and move on.